What's Meant To Be
by Meowy Hime
Summary: Rinoa recieves a phone call stating she has to be treated and Squall can't let her go...The process takes up two years and they only have 2 months left to spend time, can she really just leave? The rating will go to a PG13 due to brief language.Please RR
1. Prologue: What's Meant To Be

_**Prologue: "What's Meant To Be?"**_

_Fighting or droning through this life,_

_Having to reach more 'final' strife,_

_Meeting in a moments stalled clocks,_

_Beating away at those final blocks._

_Confusion of two young hearts set,_

_Deeper darker love than Death had met,_

_Trying to find the time they'd missed,_

_The tie of forever they had kissed._

_Change in characters of what they were,_

_Burden and joy of love now bare,_

_Held all the memories by both she and he,_

_Stood questioning "What's Meant To Be?"_


	2. Chapter 1: Reason

Chapter 1: Reason

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, although I wish I owned Final Fantasy but...sigh...and 'Reason' belongs to the cool Hoobastank who unfortunately I don't own either.

I'm not a perfect person

As many things I wish I didn't do

But I continue learning

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

Lazily watching the plain white bedroom ceiling, Rinoa kicked her legs up to her chest as she watched in boredom. Everybody were in classes. She'd eventually come to an unfitting personality decision to stay here with Squall. She would live in Garden by their rules, but not become one of them. She tilted her head slightly, the fabric of her bed sheets against her silky ebony strains, sliding past each other so smoothly...

She mumbled something to herself, her eyes snaking the clock on her bedside table in just a moment, only 40 seconds had passed since she last looked. She always felt sick to a certain extent, because of him of course, another uncharacteristic Rinoa quality that had taken hold of her. Sometime had changed since the defeat of Ultimecia, many things had changed in fact. The nervousness never really fell but she always somehow turned out to be the giggly confidence oozing popular girl she was when he was around, maybe because that's all he really knew her as but whatever the reason. The fear of doing something embarrassing in front of Squall was just too much of a nightmare. Or even just saying something he despised or didn't feel comfortable with. Quivering at the very thought she turned over and released her legs to fall back so she could lie comfortably.

She remembered when her and Squall had decided to start a real relationship and how happy she'd been, she was even more crazy than Selphie back then. And she could even wake up in a good mood, listening to her favourite pop CD's, getting ready for a day with thinking about Squall, spending time with Squall, kissing Squall, loving Squall. Even if the music was against the regulations, it'd wake up the students for their lessons wouldn't it!? That was her excuse any way.

She'd dance about, and enjoy the sudden security she felt when her and Squall first became official. Somehow, the joyful mornings and dancing had disappeared and she and Squall weren't so shy any more. If anything, it had turned into agony. The relationship wasn't dieing but she no longer felt bubbly in his absence any more. In fact, she used to cry and become depressed. She wasn't usually a sad person but she found it hard to hide the sorrow she felt, especially from herself. She didn't understand it at first, and really she still didn't.

Of course she suppressed this side of her brilliantly and got on with her life. That was the most difficult thing, they both had separate lives and...even if she could except it, she still couldn't make herself feel happy about it. She'd thought of walking away very briefly, than hit herself so hard for even the contemplation. She couldn't feel great not seeing him all the time, but walking away entirely would destroy her. Her only reasoning for the thought was that leaving Squall would mean she would have no more weaknesses and they could both get on with their lives as if normal. Yet she knew herself she couldn't do it, it didn't matter that he left her vulneble. Whatever price now in fact, she didn't care. She wasn't walking...

The vague memories of a year ago when they met, over a year now in fact. She was so different then, she was a girl and naturally did all the girly things, cried over boyfriends and drooled over hot popularities. It was the teenage lifestyle but now she was different, too different to remember how she felt all that time ago. All that time ago when she was a totally different person, someone she felt sick with to think about...unable to relate herself to that person she could only 'think' she used to be.

Walking around Garden she'd sometimes get the odd comment about Squall, "You'll have more luck taking to a wall" and other even meaner suggestions about Squall's withdrawn personality, she didn't care what they all said, she knew him, they didn't. Or at least she hoped she knew him.

He was a puzzle for her at the beginning, she was so fascinated with the fact that a guy could really be that depressed and withdrawn that he just constantly sulked all the time around people, he wasn't embarrassed to not join in with everyone and be a joker. That's all she wanted to be, well sometimes when it suited her. Squall was sometimes too awkward to make utterly strong speeches and too thoughtful to ever really have a laugh, of course he'd changed. More than she could ever have hoped for. Or maybe she'd just not been able to see that side given the circumstances of when they'd first met, just like anyone. You learn more and more over time...

Lately more than anything, he'd said something quite strange that had concerned her, even if it was her fault...

"I will try...I'm so sorry..." He'd said.

She hadn't understood him then but soon figured that they'd had an argument only an hour before the comment...well she'd shouted at him and he'd stood there and looked at her with huge sweet innocent eyes. About how he sometimes just walked away from her, in utter solitude, she usually didn't mind it. If it was his way of sorting his head than he could go straight for it but that day she snapped, a different side of her surfaced and it was the bitch side, the attention grabbing side of her that she thought surfaced just too much...

Rinoa couldn't understand why he wouldn't talk to her about anything, and although sometimes she did pester him about the subject he'd always shimmy out of the conversation somehow. When he turned to walk away that day, when his back hit her vision, Rinoa's heart tensed so tight in her chest. She didn't want to be shut out any more. The calm side of her realised he had social problems and that he dealt with things differently but...she felt so useless. Every time she watched his back and his fleeing steps, even if he hadn't meant it this way, she was pushed out further. She'd told him that it wasn't healthy, that he needed to talk to her and he'd continued to watch her with glazed eyes.

Soon after he'd said he was sorry and that he'd try which was what had confused her to begin with. She hadn't meant to be so forward in the first place and certainly didn't want to make him feel like he had to tell her things, or make up lies to please her any way. That's definitely not what she wanted and she hated herself for shouting at him, she'd been waiting for him to slowly and completely come out of his shell and she'd just shot him in the arm, only scaring him back into it, maybe even deeper...

Sighing heavily she leaned up trying to brush the heavy thoughts out of her head but it didn't work. Resting her hands behind her back as to support her in her new position she began to stare vacantly out of the window, the sun streaming in. The beach in the distance and the long cool blue of the ocean, the fresh air here was great. She'd become accustomed to the dirty smoky air of Deling City and Timber in her younger years but here it was so clear and nice. Being on an island away from all real industrial civilisation had its peaks, turning her head to the cloak again she fell back on the bed in aggravation. Only 3 minutes had passed.

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

and the reason is you

Squall tapped his pencil on the desk, mostly covered with several important legal papers Headmaster Cid had asked him to arrange and proof read for him. Squall's head was else where, he would usually work without any resistance, he wasn't a lazy guy. He could see Rinoa being in this seat now and playing around with the seat adjustments and than when the Headmaster got back she would make up a long story about every contract. He would never do that but today he felt somehow distracted. There was nothing logical he could think of, the new confidence he'd built around Rinoa was quite a dramatic change but somehow it had just happened, after he'd seen the hurt in her eyes that day he'd feared she'd walk away, she'd leave him behind broken. So he'd changed, he even liked the new him. He'd introduced to Rinoa sides she'd never anticipated he had, and it wasn't insulting, he blamed himself. He hadn't really changed himself as a person, just opened himself up. She'd apologised several times that day...none of them he'd accepted, just laughed lightly and told her not to worry but she would any way, he knew that.

He was getting no where with just sitting here and waiting for something to happen. He knew that nothing was going to happen, his concentration was just somewhere else. He couldn't help his mood swigs just like any other teenager. He couldn't stand hurting her...he was her knight after all.

They still hadn't approached that conversation with any real seriousness, he'd figured she'd like to forget the minor detail about her still being a sorceress with Adel's, Edea's and Ultimecia's power. Yet he knew that the conversation only brought back her own fear of people hating her and fearing her, treating her different. She knew that her friends hadn't changed their perspective of her but several members of Garden now avoided her and Rinoa wasn't an idiot. He couldn't stop that from happening but he had vowed to be her knight and where he could he would protect her, even if it cost him his life.

He hated just the idea of hurting her and he couldn't tell her this, he couldn't tell her so many things he wished he could. So he'd told her about a song called 'Reason' which expressed everything he wanted to say at that moment, he couldn't stand hurting her, that was what had made him feel really bad lately. Knowing he couldn't give into self pity he opened up to her, he showed a different side and things had never been better. It was true he couldn't stand to walk away or even watch her walk away, even if it was for a couple of hours but sometimes it was so hard. It was only possible to do it because he knew he would see her again, and she felt the same way whether he realised it or not. He hated himself for hurting her by turning away and not telling her things and that was changing, quicker than either had really anticipated but it was great...

Shaking his head violently, his brown bags swaying back into the unruly nature style, he concentrated his gaze on the papers. If he got them out the way then he could see her quicker, so he hoped any way...

I'm sorry that I hurt you

It's something I must live with everyday

And all the pain I put you through

I wish that I could take it all away

And be the one who catches all your tears

Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a resaon for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

and the reason is You x4

Rinoa watched as the CD behind the plastic screen, framed with silver metal, began to spin rapidly. The screen displaying numbers of track lengths and placements. She clicked the play button impatiently and slouched back to the bed, collapsing clumsily on it. A single piano key played continuously, the drums came in on the forth beat and then the strumming of the guitar strings. Rinoa breathed in slowly and began to sing the song. 'Reason'. Maybe it did sound terrible coming from her throat but the volume was too high for anyone to hear any way.

The sweet lyrics slipping from her lips as she watched the wall again, looking so distant, strangely melancholy, maybe she should join one of the Garden classes. It would be a lot interesting and distracting compared to sitting in her bedroom missing Squall without a thing or anyone to express her feelings to (or distract her), even then there was no one else but Squall that she wanted to express herself to. The strain of actually singing when her throat was already hurting from crying, from the gasps and tensing of the muscles.

She laid back and stared at the ceiling again. She wasn't even in the mood to count the minutes in which it would take for a member of Garden staff to come in and tell her to turn it down, or a student because they were studying. Rinoa never understood that, how could any one study? Sure, she did it occasionally, when she went to a little private school her father paid greatly for but she never really gained a lot out of it. Still, it was their education not hers, she still disagreed that the principles Garden students had to follow sucked, hence her non-uniformed body and lazily lying...

The true reason why she wasn't enthusiastic about this song any more was because she'd listened to it too many times and she still found it hard to contemplate Squall feeling this was. She understood it but wished she didn't, she accepted that Squall felt down a lot of the time but on her half, that kicked off the sickness in her stomach too. Squall had introduced the band to her and suggested she should listen to there stuff and pay close attention to their lyrics. He'd pointed out this song several times and made a good point about her listening to it. She had caught on to the fact that Squall related himself to the lyrics strongly but she was too embarrassed to comment on the song at first. It was sweet, so very sweet and when she finally figured out it perfectly slotted into their lives she decided to make a job of just leaving him a lone when he did go off in solitude. It wasn't rare now, but it wasn't frequent either and she was happy with that.

He was trying and he'd changed for her, all he had to do was ask and she would change but actually finding something he didn't like about her would be hard because he never commented on stuff like that. Probably a good thing too because she'd scratch his eyes out if he wasn't careful and constructive with his comments. Even through this strange sorrow she was feeling while alone, without him around, wondering whether he missed her just as much.

She was happy, she truly wouldn't change a thing about her life at the moment. Life was undoubtedly going to take a turn soon because things were really a little too perfect. She had great friends and she had her knight, Squall. That's all she needed.

Suddenly a strange ringing caught Rinoa's attention, even over the loud music she was playing, she jumped for a moment, unsure why she leant up and looked at the phone on her bedside table with a framed photo of her and Squall. He didn't look comfortable and in fact looked pretty set on running away but somehow Rinoa's tiny arms held his waist tight enough, even if he did put on a scared expression. She quickly grabbed for the phone and ran over to the CD player hitting the power button panicking slightly that she'd miss the call, even if the phone was in hand. Having something to distract her when she was on the phone was one of the many things that really aggravated Rinoa. A sudden echoing silence took her room and she pressed the green phone button on the hand set and placed it to her ear in a swift hand motion...

"Hello?" She questioned sweetly and yet seeming strong.

"Hello, is this Sorceress Rinoa?" A bold unfamiliar man's voice questioned with no friendly tone in return to Rinoa's sweet one.

A deadly silence lasted too long. Rinoa didn't want to reply to the comment but knew it would be impolite not to say anything, she was arrogant at times but this man seemed very stern. The fact that he was talking to the sorceress and no one would DARE prank her, she'd burn them alive. Or so the stereotypical rumour went among the immature receivers of gossip. Her eye brows knitted deeply and she replied in the same monotone to match his...

"Yes..." She paused. "May I ask why?" She now regretted not asking that question before she'd admitted she was Rinoa.

That newly familiar sickness in her stomach burned at the back of her throat as she knew something was wrong, the man was taking his time and obviously wanting to use his words very carefully. It wasn't that he was afraid, she could feel he wasn't but there was some kind of concern with how he worded what he was about to say...

"...Yes..." Was the simple reply and so he continued.

I'm not a perfect person

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

Squall...and the BIG urge again to tell her, tell her that he loved her. He was almost smiling as he paced down the corridor towards her dormitory, he liked being so openly happy and relaxed with their relationship. He didn't know how he'd done it but he had changed successfully, for her. Rinoa had accepted the song and realised his feelings but didn't 100 believe that he'd changed not to the extent where it seemed he was an completely new person any way...and he could see she loved it, hell, he loved it.

Turning round a bend in the corridor he realised something odd, there was no complaining students outside Rinoa's door knocking fruitlessly today, neither could he hear any loud music blasting through out into the air he was listening to. Just the birds in the trees and the gentle breeze, it was slightly unsettling in fact but he decided to dismiss his suspicious, he wasn't even suspicious yet. Something at the back of his mind was clawing to become a suspicion. His eye brows deepening as he reached the door, he couldn't hear anything. Anxiety raising a little higher he raised his fist to knock on the door...

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

and the reason is you

The sudden knock at the door startled her, she still had the phone in hand and had been staring at it in anger and worry. Breathing in deeply she threw the phone to a side, quickly rubbing away the tears, blackening her cheeks from the running mascara.

Gulping and shaking her arms about as if to brush off the sickness she was feeling, the confusing various emotions flooding into her all at the same time. All she felt like doing was crying this all out, she needed to tell Edea and she hoped that it was Edea at the door. Their sorceress lesson was due today and Rinoa was suppose to be at the Quad now so maybe she'd come to check. Somehow convincing herself it would be Edea she hurried to the door to see a worried sincere set of blue orbs, glazing as they met her tear stricken face. He was early off. For what seemed like ages they just looked at each other and she didn't know how to explain what she'd just been informed of herself.

She didn't really have a choice in the matter but she knew he wouldn't see it that way, not deep down any way. Even if he told her that it was her decision and her decision alone...she knew he'd hate her for letting it happen, for allowing them to take her away...

"Rinoa..." He managed to breath.

"Squall..." She looked down briefly than back up to his eyes, he stepped closer as she clutched the handle on the inside of the door, leaning against the door frame with her hip.

"I can't act..." She laughed lightly.

"I know." Squall murmured back. Something was wrong and although something inside knew he should hesitate more because the chance was it was going to be something he'd regret knowing about, something that would push him back into the void he used to live in so easily, somewhere he didn't want to go back to. She turned around letting her hand slip from the handle and her body push away from the frame, her idea of an invitation inside, he understood.

He slowly stepped inside, watching her back as she stepped into her bedroom and sat down clumsily. He turned and pushed the door close, treasuring this moment of the minimum tension, staring at the woodwork of the door. Then he turned back to her...

Her soul seemed dampened and he couldn't recognise her the way he did the Rinoa he saw this morning over breakfast in the cafeteria. He hated seeing her sad, or hurt. Her eyes trailed down over the floor and her posture so loose, the tears building up freely in the corners of her eyes. She didn't even seem fazed by the building salt water, just kept staring without a blink...

She hadn't sorted this out in her own head yet and she had no idea how to even say what the man on the phone had said. It was too hard to even quote his words but...

"We need to...um...talk..." The seriousness felt awkward even for Rinoa. She hated it.

"I guessed." Still standing, lingering in the door way watching the dark haired beauty sit in unexplained misery. Now he had acquired the sickness in his stomach.

"...I have to leave..." She said only just above a whisper, her voice breaking on the last syllable. She gulped than looked further down, her eyes now on her feet.

He couldn't process it, he kept staring.

There were too many questions to why and how and where. These were just numb questions.

They were so great now.....................

WHY NOW!? He didn't flinch though...didn't make a move...didn't say a thing...

"I have two months." She smiled with as much enthusiasm as she could muster which was close to nothing. Taking in a long shaky breath, all she wanted was for him to ask something, say something, just anything.

The last thing she wanted him to think was that she was walking away from him purposely, she would never do that. She physically couldn't do it, she was useless and weak without him. She'd fall into self pity so quickly. It would never be the same without him around, she couldn't stand that thought, it was too horrible and yet...she was going to have to now...

"Esthar want me to..." She choked for a moment. "Got to stay with Doctor Odine to remove the sorceress powers of Ultimecia and Adel. Apparently they found out some way of doing that..." She shrugged and finished her sentence with a bitter tone. "And you know I have to go, I can't be a danger to this garden...I don't know how to control these powers, you know that. What if something goes wrong, I could kill everyone here within an instant. So I have to go..."

Even she couldn't hear her own words. Even if they were true and sensible, she hated the truth...

Slowly but surely he nodded his head...

"...How long will the process take...how are they going to it...?" He simply stated.

"...It takes two years in total...basic hypnotic stuff with some more developed accessibilities...I'll be in a trance for that long, I think...I don't know all the details and...when I go you can come for the briefing if you want..."

He nodded again, very slowly...

Somehow he couldn't fight the selfish sensation inside him bubbling over and so he turned to walk away...

"I love you..." She called out to him pleading. The desperation and hurt recognisable in her voice tone.

He stopped in his strides and heard her movement from the bed and steps towards him. He turned his head to see her standing by him. She leaned up and kissed him lightly, holding the lips to his for somehow an eternity, an eternity that just wasn't long enough. He reluctantly pulled his arms up and around her and she wrapped hers around his waist. Resting her head against his chest she heard his heart beating strongly and yet steadily...

"I love you too." He whispered...

"I'll let you go..." She sniffed and pulled away abruptly, not waiting for him to feel bad about having to leave the embrace they were sharing...

He nodded in understanding and kissed her forehead, fighting back tears of his own...

"We both need to think..." Rinoa said strongly, somehow more independently than she'd meant. She wanted to cry, and she couldn't do it in front of Squall. If he saw how much this was tearing her up inside, they'd be no way he'd let her go. He'd fight anyone who came for her if he had to...or at least that's what she feared would happen if she showed her emotion.

"Right..." That felt like the old Squall, simple, one word answers and old monotone.

Rinoa tried to hold back the tears again, hearing him say that like the way she'd fear. She wanted to drop down to her knees and cry, she couldn't stand the thought of him crawling back into that horrible void, it was so hard to reach him before, she wouldn't let him do that to himself. Without another word he was out the door, the click of the handle as it turned only made her eyes watch him more intensely. He didn't turn back though, he went straight away. As soon as the door was closed she fell...

I've found a reason to show

A side of me you didn't know

A reason for all that I do

And the reason is you

"She can't leave..." He sobbed.

Sat up against his wall, on the floor he held his head grinding his teeth together. He never cried, except for when he was younger and Sis walked away. This was just like that. He couldn't let her go. But who was he to interfere with what she wanted. It was her decision, he just couldn't stand the thought of her walking away...how having her there with him...wouldn't be there any more. He couldn't stand walking away from her normally, he couldn't walk away for that long...he didn't trust Odine, he didn't trust he'd let her come back. He didn't trust Odine would do the right thing. _I...changed for_ _you...because I love you...please don't leave...please_... He sobbed a little bit more before just watching into space, unable to even sleep.

There was too much to think about, to plan out...what the hell was he thinking, all he wanted now was Rinoa...yet she'd said that they both needed to think. She appreciated the fact that they needed time but he didn't want it any more. He looked at a cloak above his bed, the time was 12:43. How many hours had he been sat here crying? Was she sleeping peacefully? Why was she accepting this as her duty, she could control it...he knew she could...he was being selfish again...it was her decision, only this time he was desperate to step in the way...

Rinoa crawled up into a foetal position on her bed and continued to cry... "I love you Squall...so much...but...everything will be ok..." She laughed lightly to herself, still feeling the need to cry. "I'm coming back, so why am I crying...?" If this didn't work she knew Esthar would keep her...

There's too much on this...she couldn't think straight...

_To Be Continued…_

Author's Note: Man, this is my first fan fic...I'm not sure I wanna put it out to all you people because you'll all hate it but I really wanted to write about this situation because of personal stuff that I felt I should write about. But I really would appreciate constructive criticism. Thank you everyone who read this! You're amazing!! I'll write the rest of the story no worries! Thanks again!


	3. Chapter 2: Iced In Memory

What's Meant To Be Author's note: Man we have a long way to go!!! I hope that you actually like the rest of what I'm about to write Quisty and BlackenedRose. I really appreciate you reading my fic and reviewing it, you're the best!!! Well you wanted more and so I'll give you more. Sorry it took such a long time. Oh yeah, Quisty I read your Tears Of Blood, good stuff!!

Disclaimer: Yada yada, I don't own any of the characters, SquareEnix does so blah any of you who want to sue me, cuz you can't! Ha!!

Chapter 1: Iced In Memory

Rinoa watched the fibres making up the pillows case, finding it to physically painful to cry any longer she decided to watch into something even more uninteresting, remaining motionless for another couple of hours. Besides, she felt as if she'd done enough crying already. She didn't know what she needed to do now but...she decided to lay in misery.

Becoming increasingly aggravated with her new attitude, she noticed once again she was moody and miserable. Telling herself over that she had a reason to be this way wasn't enough and soon resulted in a sudden surge of negative energy. She abruptly jumped from the bed and screamed as loud as she could, turning as smoothly and swiftly round and punching the wall. Driving her fist forward through the air and into the stone, a change in the walls smooth flat surface invisible. Sighing she felt another part of her inside crake and fall away.

Still in the position of when she'd delivered the punch, the muscles still tensed she whimpered for a moment. Not even giving a second thought to the fact that it was 4 in the morning and students might have been alarmed by her scream. Her arm slipped and her fist unclenched as she limply stood forward again. All the emotion draining away from her facial features, her eyes suddenly sparkled again as she looked into air.

Rinoa didn't even care what other people thought about this event and their judgement of her reaction, she didn't care at all. She was so confused and lost with how she should be reacting to this, the consciousness, but somehow someone or maybe something unfamiliar had just taken over and she'd soon forgotten about herself. Something she knew the old her would never allow.

All this time alone was another problem. Although lately she'd allowed it, it was changing her from the Rinoa her friends had grown to love and enjoy. A sudden weak self hatred had flared inside her ever since she'd started moping around when Squall wasn't with her. She really couldn't remember how she'd used to smile in a morning before her and Squall had begun dating. Well, she didn't want to either.

Glancing across the room to the dull white handset of her telephone in the corner of the room next to the door where she'd thrown it earlier. She always used to phone up Selphie and ask her to come over when she worked herself into a state, or even Quitas, Xu or Kara sometimes. Kara was an old friends of Rinoa's who had decided to join Balamb garden, escaping the boredom she'd faced living in Timber. Funnily enough the two had met by accident in the cafeteria and squealed and hugged for the rest of the week. Talking about the gap of absence in each others lives, that was shortly after the Ultimecia incident when everything had turned semi- normal again. Long brown hair and shallow blue eyes, her bright smile and confident attraction brought any guy moaning at just the thought of her.

Whatever the time was, Rinoa always used to do that...and it was so tempting. The involvement of any of her friends would have to play in her problems when she did call them over would be unfair but they never minded, what were friends for hey? Yet this time round it was a problem that would up set them just as it had Squall...

Sighing she let her tired loose limbs collapse, rest in non response to anything her brain wanted her to do, this included standing. Falling to her knees roughly she some how pushed the normal girly squeak of pain and let herself fall sideways and rest her head on the floor...

Still in view of the phone she wondered whether Squall was still awake. The need for attention now was beginning to surface again and she realised instantly the familiarity of the situation. She wasn't sure whether Squall would even want to talk to her now. There was a dreading feeling that he was sleeping but in anger, that he was swearing in his dreams. Bitter at her for accepting this, he wouldn't just let her go and forgive her for it. He wouldn't accept that it wasn't about him. Yet she knew deep down that he wasn't like that at all.

Watching the blank emotionless Squall as she'd talked to him earlier on, that new openness being stripped so very quickly from his whole being. She'd witnessed it in horror, how he'd walked away as soon as he could or attempted to any way. She'd hurt him and she really hadn't meant to, in fact she didn't even really want to tell him first. She wanted to talk it through with people so she could address the subject a lot more sensibly and controllably, so Squall could see that she was serious about it. So he could see that this wouldn't change a thing, she'd come back and that was the end of it. Instead she sniffed and stuttered with her sentences and didn't even inform him of too much and definitely without any professionalism. A new personality she and the girls had dreamed of acquired. An immaculate profession walking down the paths of Garden and being watched after in their strides...a girly dream...

If it wasn't for the fact that curfew was still on she would probably be taking a walk. Just to the Quad or somewhere she could feel a sense of calmness, which wasn't her bedroom for the moment. Knowing that she wasn't going to get any where by simply just laying and staring she stood up to attempt more sleep...

Selphie giggled furiously and hopped from foot to foot, somehow her butt still on the seat, as Zell whispered in her ear Squall's latest idea of a little present for Rinoa. Both seeD's unaware of the two disturbed teens hidden away in shadows far away in locked dormitories. It was in the middle of 3rd lesson and the cafeteria was deadly silent except for the two energetic instructors-to-be and a few kitchen staff tucked away behind the counters...

"GET OUT!!!" She cried with excitement.

He nodded pleased with himself and folded his arms. Whispering into her ear was a little over the top but he wouldn't want the kitchen staff hearing a couple of words and rumours spreading horribly throughout Garden, they both knew how Squall hated being the centre of attention.

"He's already bought her a ring and a necklace - she's so lucky! I can't wait to see her!" Suddenly disturbed by Zell's facial change, into one of anger.

"You can't tell her anything Sef!" He almost yelled. Fearing for his own life, Squall had wanted it to be a surprise but even Squall wasn't good at surprises himself but if Zell threw away his only chance...well he'd feel guilty for the rest of his life.

Selphie, finding it immensely hard to keep still from all the motioning sulk she was playing, frowned in difficulty as she fought a deep battle within herself to keep her mouth shut. Eying her greasy bowl of chips, laying in front of her on the table she shifted again not sure she could keep such a promise. Knowing Zell's eyes were boring into her she decided it was better to keep looking away as to not feel guilty.

"Selphie..." The low serious tone of voice and the deep down turned head continued to pressure the mouth-shut Selphie to win that self battle she was still fighting.

"Fine!" She outburst stubbornly. "Like I'd want to tell her about it any way..." She folded her arms across her chest and turned her head up to look at the junior cadets art work in frames around the room, not admiring it but looking for something to focus on.

"Not even Quistas or Xu and definitely not Kara! Promise me!" This time there was weakness present in his voice, desperation. He wished he could cram all those whispered words back into his mouth and spill to his bedroom wall, that way no one but his four walls would know about it.

After squealing a little more she finally agreed and turned back to face him. The original bright smile appeared as she clawed in for more information...

"So...what's it look like?" She questioned in some what of a demonic voice.

Raising his eye brows at her expression and how close she was leaning towards him made him began to chuckle but soon clicked on to something else. Changing his face again to suspicion...

"Hey girl, this is only gonna make you want to tell other people more." Zell pressed folding his arms, feeling slightly intelligent with himself.

"No!" She shook her head almost violently, making the stopping of the motion very hard as her vision continued to spin. Somehow she'd grown used to this energetic streak and continued talking. "Please!" She begged in a painful tone, pressing her hands together in a pray position and looking up at him with big puppy dog eyes.

Sighing heavily he unfolded his arms and leaned forward, watching her eyes with seriousness...

"Think diamonds...think white gold..." An evil grin on his face.

She was shaking her head with an equally creepy smile.

"No...way..." She murmured in awe.

"Yes way." He nodded slowly.

"She is gonna freak out!!!" Selphie squealed again. Almost bouncing in her seat. She had a right to get this excited for one of her best friends didn't she? Breaking down to earth again with another serious look she questioned. "When?"

"Well...ya know that he's loved her a long time...well...they've been officially" at this point Zell was raising two fingers on each hand and bending them while saying the word with a sarcastic tone. "dating for a year next week on Monday..."

Knowing this was only going to wind the girl up further he braced himself by holding the table only to be thrown over with it. Realising Selphie's manic giggling as he fell to the floor in a heap with the up turned table, only imagining how she was dancing...

(Flashback)

_My god...he's here...why am I so nervous about this? Just keep cool, when Zell comes everything will be alright...then it won't just be me...oh gosh..._

Rinoa shuffled her feet and clasped her hands behind her back, looking at the floor constantly. Already she'd sneaked a peak down the corridor and noticed Squall walking towards her, his hands in his pocket and a slight unfamiliar smile on his face. She leant against her dormitory door, trying to prove in some way that she was looking hot by doing this...

Her eyes trailing all over the place, he was taking her to his dormitory for the first time. Not just her bugging him on the door this time, he'd actually invited her round and then revealed later that he was also bringing Zell along and they would go ice skating. They all had the weekend off. Balamb still hadn't completely industrialised itself but it had grew larger and eventually opened more entertainment facilities, one being a Ice Rink.

_I'm gonna be tripping all over the place...I could fake being sick right now and rush in home and that would be that...he's getting so close to me now...this is it...I'm screwed..._

"Heya." She heard his faint deep voice call out to her.

She smiled brightly, sweating a lot now, she thanked her common sense for wearing her strongest perfumes today so he wouldn't notice her body odour. It was disgusting to think about it such a thing. She wasn't even wearing extra layers today for the ice rink, it was stupid, she knew that, she was probably going to freeze on the ice. She just felt more relaxed in her old clothing of a long blue cardigan and tight black shorts and matching sting sleeve top. Although the common relaxing feeling of her own usual garments didn't have the effect she'd wanted, she was still nervous, a little faint and sweating a load. The faintness becoming more of a problem as he stepped towards her, slow in his breaths.

Taking a strong deep breath she replied, holding the giddiness inside as smoothly as she could...

"Heya!" Her eye lashes fluttering again.

She always pet talked herself before meeting him, she treated this relationship as if she would any other relationship she fell deeply in love with. Tried to act cool or entertaining so he wouldn't walk away. It had been different when they hadn't been dating because then they were just friends, even if they had loved each other. Both had been slow to react to what they were actually feeling, even if it was weak compared to what they had now.

Today, was just like any other outing with Squall. She was petrified of messing up and making a fool out of herself. They were still early on in their relationship and they were both still a little unease at the prospect of showing an 'un-cool' side of each other. So she repeated to herself in the mirror several funny things to say, tried to reassure herself that everything would be just fine, she'd have loads of fun and not mess up. When they'd first gone out one on one she felt so nervous at the acknowledgement that there was a tomorrow and if she messed up, she'd had to live it down. Although it had eased, it was still there.

"You ready?" He asked sweetly, his posture revealing that he could act smooth for a little while.

She nodded enthusiastically and twisted around on her feet, still looking like the shy rebel he'd met back in Timber. How strange it seemed that he'd never seen it then that she'd be here with him now, that they'd have gone through all that time and crisis with each other.

Thinking about the Ice Skating was the most horrifying problem she was facing at the moment. She'd only skated a couple of times in her life and had miserably fell to embarrassment and friend's amusement. He'd told her that he went whenever he could and this image got her hysterical every time. The idea of Squall ice skating like a pro, it wasn't something she'd ever pieced with his personality. Apparently he and Zell went a lot, especially before the Ultimecia incident. There was a "really nice" place in the Northern Continent that they used to go to. She'd never heard of it. Any way, the thought of Squall ice skating had encouraged her to accept his invitation, it seemed too funny to pass. Although that seemed incredibly nasty, she'd fall and he'd laugh so it was fair game...

"We have to go get Zell from his dorm down the hall." Squall commented casually turning his body slightly towards the direction he intended to take her in. She nodded her head quickly...

"Yeah, that's cool." She smiled sweetly, this time connecting eyes for more than a second.

He turned to walk in the direction of Zell's room and Rinoa some how managed to walk after him. The support with Zell being there was also something that had given her a little more strength to come along to this. Somehow any way, she saw it as more of a possibility that someone else would fall and she wouldn't have to be so embarrassed if she did.

As usual when people interact the back and forth questioning began...

"So!" She chirped. "How are you doing then?" Walking in synch with him she turned her head to see his slightly turned head and sweet smile that he lit when she questioned him. Thinking that talking to each other would calm each others nerves a little. She knew he was comfortable with these kind of scenarios either, or she thought she knew he didn't enjoy her joining him in his leisure time.

"Yeah, I'm fine. And you?" Knowing he'd most likely get a longer reply than he'd given her he continued to watch her expression, not watching forward any longer.

"Yeah, I was a little bored sat in that stupid little room but hey I'm here now I guess." Shrugging her shoulders as if deciding herself whether the statement was completely true. "Done anything interesting lately?" Her eyes fluttering again as she made eye contact with him, it was so automatic, as if she wanted him to see her as beautiful in everything she did because she wanted him to have something worthy of him.

"Not really. You?" Again, not too many words but he couldn't help the habitat.

"Nah...like I said sat in a room and drew a bit...didn't turn out well but hey at least I tried!" She hadn't meant it as in to fish for compliments but she'd become used to not loving herself utterly. She was just replying what he'd asked though, maybe she should have just gave him a straight forward 'No'. He wouldn't be interested in her drawing, cringing at herself she turned her eyes away and continued walking forward, her head hung a little.

"I'm sure there fine." He reassured her, watching as her ebony bangs closed off her half profile facial features from him. Her posture turned into something he couldn't find familiar, or ever in Rinoa's character.

She shrugged again than smiled, looking up a head of her again to the constant lining of doors of the dormitories...

"I dunno...doesn't matter though." Blinking for a second, purposely closing her eyes for as long as she could without it looking as if something was wrong.  
She could feel the difference inside herself as well. Soon to feel a darker side of her that Squall didn't know about began in ripple on her surface, play with her emotions and control. Shaking herself out of it she noticed Squall pacing a little quicker and step in front of her, passing her to walk over to a door where he hit it twice.

Immediately the door swung open and the eternal energetic Zell loomed his head through the door with a huge cheeky grin springing across his face. His famous tattoo fitting with the rest of his spunky features and blonde spiky hair.

Both sorceress and knight a little taken a back by the blondes instant appearance watched in amazement as she jogged out the room and slammed it behind him, pacing out into the open corridor and taking an extremely deep breath, flexing his arms out and bending back...

"Smell that air? You know what it smells of!? FUN!!!" He breathed out after his out burst than stretched a bit more in front of the two allies.

Looking at each other with side ways glances the couple sighed and turned to walk away. Regretting inviting him instantly. Zell was left to watch their backs as the two seeming sluggish teens walked away. Frowning he soon chased after them, gripping both their shoulders and pushing himself into the middle...

"So how's you all doing?" Zell still unaware of the boring replies he'd gain in return...

Approaching the new ice arena, now in eye sight. Rinoa slowed her steps, a sudden impending doom over coming her thought. They'd all had a nice relaxing laugh on the way that had made her half forget about this event but now they were actually there.

_Where did that lush confident girl go? Oh man, there getting a head of me and were so close now._

_Girl, if your gonna be such a wuss about it than just pretend to faint now!_

_Ok I don't like you so can you go away, your not the side I asked for and there's no way I could pretend to fake. I can't act, I'd crack up laughing half way through!_

_Your funeral...you know if you go in there your gonna make the biggest fool out of yourself._

_Shut up, I don't need reminding...oh god were at the doors_.

Squall turned to look at Rinoa who was looking strangely paler than usual, he stared at her with a little concern. As soon as she noticed Squall looking at her, she gave a quick nervous smile and carried on walking, pushing on past them. Trying to breath deeply, and walking out of Squall's view she could feel herself panicking...

_Just don't have a panic attack or anything Rin. They'd laugh at you so bad if they knew you were thinking this way..._

Stopping for a moment she turned to see the boys catching up, Zell looking a lot more excited than Squall. The young gunblade master smiling awkwardly at her, as if the expression wasn't for his face and his skin wouldn't stretch the way he wanted to. Still, she thought it was the cutest thing in the world and couldn't conceal the giggle. Looking a little embarrassed he walked past her with Zell closely beside him.

_You can do this..._

Walking swiftly through with a new fake confidence she stepped through the double doors of the ice arena, glazed with different advertisements for tournaments a lessons available inside the arena at several different days and times. Ignoring all of them she watched as the boys paid at the office.

The next step...putting the ice skating boots on correctly. Feeling conscious that the boys had been done with tieing there's at least 10 minutes ago and were now watching impatiently as she attempted to do hers, 'the safe way'.

Looking up she giggled nervously as if to cover up the embarrassment than looked down and continued to tie them as tight as they would pull...

"I'll be done in a minute." Rinoa managed, her tongue hanging half way out her mouth.

"That's what you said ten minutes ago when we'd finished doing ours." Zell murmured with a chuckle at the klutz sat in front of him, obviously in difficulty. Looking around the changing room at all the other people exiting to venture out on the ice. He could see a little of the arena and the people whooshing past with bright fun loving smiles pasted a cross their faces.

"Shut up you." Rinoa spat, finally perfecting her lacing.

Sighing in relief she stood up suddenly, beaming with pride that she'd finished. Than wobbled at the realisation that she wasn't in normal shoes but balanced on two strips of some kind of strong metal, Rinoa didn't understand or even care to learn about the materials of life. Unless it was something from a main stream fashion store with a new stock of the next seasons clothes, silk or cotton, hmm?

Dipping one side of her lip, expressing that she wasn't sure about how she was going to do this. She looked the boys in the eyes, noticing the smirks they were both masking. The hysterical laughter was just a mental image in her head, they were going to see her skate...and they would simply crack.

"So are you ready now?" Squall said, some sarcasm present in his tone.

Picking up on it, Rinoa scowled at him and began to stride off as smoothly as she could towards the rink she knew would cause her social death...

"Yes I am thank you!" she shouted towards Squall.

Soon stopping as she came into an open area where she could see the whole arena. The transparent plastic screens covering the viewing seats surrounding the ice and it's players. The DJ just above the ice rink playing chart topping recent tracks. The empty sections of the ice rinks screens where people would enter and exit the ice. She couldn't step further without falling, her ankles were already hurting from walking in these things. Although they really weren't designed for walking, she still thought it was bad of the designers.

"What's wrong Rinoa?" Zell asked in a mocking expression as he walked past her, a huge rub in the face that made her want to slap him right there on the spot.

Squall just laughed as he passed but did give her one concerned gaze as she stumbled after them towards the gate where they'd enter the ice field. Hesitating and reminding herself to take deep breaths she clung on the end of the screen for a while, watching all the show offs on the ice already. This was all just discouraging her way too much.

She turned her head and for a moment she felt that there was a huge light source coming from the main entrance/exit. So inviting to just run from the situation at hand. Gazing at it she began to turn her body towards it when suddenly she heard Squall's voice pull her out of the trance...

"Come on." Squall said kindly, although Zell had already started skating round in a circle with the rest of the group almost all seeming to rub it in her face that she was going to embarrass herself, and they were all going to laugh hysterically when she did.

Gulping she shook her head...

"I can't do this. I'm gonna fall!" Rinoa moaned, pleading with Squall to just let her off and watch. "I don't mind just sitting here." Pointing to the row of chairs circling the ice rink, she smiled and nodded.

He shook his head with a laugh...

"You'll be fine, honest. Load's of other people fall down too, it's no biggie." She couldn't quite make out whether he was becoming instantly impatient or was genuinely trying to reassure her.

Looking around however didn't give the impact of his sentence too much of a reassurance for her. The only people she could see falling over were kids under 10, at most. Shaking her head she felt him take her hand slowly from the side of the screen end and pull her lightly.

Still a little shaky, she watched her feet constantly. The sudden slippery texture of the ice took her off guard and she immediately clung to the edge again, her feet still on the ice however. Slowly gaining her own balance and some kind of understanding of the surface and the shoes she stood by herself, a lot more quickly than she realised.

Squall smiled and began skating with her as she slowly began to slide across the ice, going any faster could create everything she'd ever feared happening and she wasn't about to let her own confidence be shattered this early on in the game. Feeling her cheeks blush slightly as he picked up his pace this was something she hadn't expected.

_He's trying to get me to follow him, no way!!!_

Looking up nervously as he turned his head back to watch her she slowly and steadily did pick up the pace to maybe 0.001 miles per hour....

"Squall, don't be a bully! Slow down!" Trying to be nice and joking but a deep hostility bubbling at the last two words.

Shaking his head he continued the way he was, seeming to not even have any concentration of doing so. Scrunching her nose up into some sort of a hiss and frowning she pushed herself again, a little quicker until she was level with him...which only resulted in him going faster....

"Forget this!" Rinoa shouted, sticking her tongue out at him and skating over to the side. Slamming her body into the white chest height wall. She gripped on tightly and sulked for a little while. Minutes later she felt the wall shake but she continued to just look forward into the transparent plastic half realising who it was that had slammed into the side in the similiar fashion she had.

"You coming back on yet?" Squall asked with a big grin across his face.

"Shut up." she snapped.

Turning herself around with difficulty, eventually resting her elbows on the wall. Squall watched somehow in awe at her awkwardness with the situation. Her eyes focusing on anyone that skated fast. What was it he saw? Fear? Envy? He smirked again...

"You were doing fine." He leaned over to her.

Finally she spotted Zell having a good time, almost speeding just to annoy her. She didn't even feel competitive this time round. She knew she didn't have a chance in here, this wasn't her grounds. She just didn't skate...

"So far but I'll..." She looked down to the floor. "fall and I'm so scared." Her words seeming extremely babyish to anybody but her. She knew he wouldn't understand what she was trying to express. He was the big strong knight after all and nothing seemed to discourage him any more. Except anything social....

"It won't matter if you do." Squall replied calmly.

Blood boiling she turned her head round to him and screamed...

"It soooooo does!" And that was it. No structure to the comment. Just the high school style 'sooooo does'.

Waiting for something more the gunblade master continued to watch his girlfriends chocolate eyes. Nothing came and he still waited, a smirk growing even bigger. He knew he was getting close to recieving a slap but it amused him far too much to see her like this.

Rinoa looked around nervously, she knew she had to say something else....but didn't. Than turned her head away to face the crowd. Deciding that Squall wasn't going to let her just stand here she let go for a moment. Just to stand and see if she could still balance like she could five minutes ago. Picking up every scrap of courage the poor young women had she strode out on the ice again. If she did fall and embarrass herself she could always just scratch his eyes out later...

Following out behind her she felt his presence near her. Usually her knight being so close would bring her comfort and security, not now. She knew he was watching her, he was pressuring her to go faster. She laughed playfully and tried to increase a little more, covering up the nervousness to the best of her ability (just like her tearful enthusiasm, counted more towards nothing).

Squall skidded past after she speeded the tiniest bit, making her lose her breath. He looked gorgeous and he was just dreamily skating away...and away...and away and...hey! He was leaving her by behind!

A new sense of panic over came her and she had to skate into the wall again. Gripping tightly she turned to see everyone looking so uninterested in her, everyone but Squall. Who kept giving her sincere smiles when he passed which created some kind of warmness within her, something that lifted the muscles in her cheeks just the same.

As Squall turned his last round he slowed in Rinoa's direction and came to a final halt beside her, lending back on the same wall as her. Some kind of sincerity had taken over suddenly and Rinoa could feel some part of her becoming more in favour to watch as a spectator to all of the teenage boy's beauty…

"You can go out there if you want, I'm ok. Honest." She spoke softly with a reassuring smile to back up her sentence.

"No, it's fine." Squall crinkled his nose for a moment then continued to watch the rest of the hall. "You gonna come on soon though?"

_No! _

"Ok, give me a moment." _Why did you have to say that girl? Getting caught up in the moment._

_What moment?_

Not sure…but I've been closer to Squall before but right now if feels so new and so very…intense. What's with this moment?

Rinoa continued to watch her loves eyes as they danced along the skating crowd without interest and mild analysis. Looking up at him, things were stirring inside her. She was beginning to feel weak and desperately wanted to reach out. There were a million and one impulses now flowing through her muscles and yet she was frozen to the spot. What was happening? This was crazy, he'd done nothing and yet now she was full of amazement, enjoyment.

_Please don't go away…_

Was it just a realisation that she was falling deeper for him just being…him? Or had someone slipped some drug into her coffee this morning. She'd felt this way before but it was very breath taking and confusing when embracing the sensations that this love created throughout her body and mind.

_You don't even know I feel this way do you? You don't even know how amazing this uneventful moment is, do you? Do you ever get like this if you watch me do something like…I dunno…anything?…Cuz I want you to know…_

Suddenly out of the corner of her eye she noticed Zell struggling to keep balance, a rather panic facial expression promising his fall. Suddenly the moment was gone and Rinoa was stolen by the idea that she could humiliate the blonde spiky haired jerk within an inch of his life. And sure enough, he slipped forward, arms sprung out in front of him and legs up in the air behind him.

Squall caught on to Rinoa's amusement and looked into the direction of the embarrassed blonde trying to recollect any confidence he had that had shatttered in his fall, giving an unsure look towards Rinoa he chuckled lightly to himself...

"That was too funny..." Rinoa giggled. "And than when you tripped over the STEP!!!" She cracked up in fits of laughter again, at Zell's expense of course.

"And you didn't fall over once." Squall noted.

"That's cuz she didn't do anything but hold onto the side." Zell grumbled in his hands still suffering from the burning embarrassment, as they walked along the streets of Balamb on the journey home.

All breathing in the clear shore air and simple town style that was paved into these lands. Zell ignored the fact that his Ma had gone on holiday to Deling City and he could quite possibily sneak into his house and steal some food, unable to speak to his party without feeling rosy cheeks.

Rinoa laughed again and watched as Squall walked a little a head of her with Zell, realising some kind of relaxed comfort she was now finding being with him. As if nothing could go wrong and she was a fool to have worried about falling over. Who was she kidding, she was just relieved Zell had fallen over, twice. But the things that had developed between them...somehow she'd escaped however she used to be. And some kind of happiness that could live with her for a thousand years had retained in her heart and soul....something that graced her steps.

The raven haired girl focused on him as he stepped moderately, out of time with her unrealised automated ungraceful paces. She was intrigued with the things she was learning from him when she used to believe there was nothing he could teach her that she wouldn't know.

(Present)

That day had been the slow beginning to how she felt now. Those days were the dancing mornings, and the dancing nights...the smiling sleepful nights. Those days were over and now she had to contemplate the reality she had with her. Those days somehow had changed and now things were so much more intimate. Fun hadn't been lost but the intimacy that had grew between them had created a deep gash at her when he walked away from her, for even just a few minutes...

Time together had meant they'd grown closer and inevitably their love too but...somehow she'd lost some of the young-ness of their relationship. It was still fresh but lacking some of it's newness...

The black haired sorceress flickered her eyes through some of his letters...some of the diary entries she still had...

It seemed too much to damage him in a way she knew she would by staying away for 2 years and not even realising it herself. There was also fear of someone else...someone tall and dark and beautiful. Someone that would snatch him away. There were several things she had yet to accept and this was becoming too cruel.

Turning her head to the window, the bitterly beautiful blossom sun rise over the sea stung her sight. Her heart ached and hung so heavy. Time away from him, time not talking about it was a waste. Looking around for the phone she raised her weary body over to the floor where she'd thrown it. Somehow there was some knowledge that he was awake...some inner voice told her that...

"Squall..." She murmured to the air...

To Be Continued...

Author's Note: Man i'm so sorry I haven't updated in ages. I've been busy with emotional stuff and family problems, I know when I read fics I hate to read excuses so just take my apology instead. I will try to complete Chapter 2 ASAP. The story will get rolling, i promise, well it's not really an adventure. Just like a view of development. AHHH Shut up Meowy Hime. Thanks so much to any one that read. And as always R & R!!!!


	4. Chapter 3: Just How It Is

Author's Note: Mah…enjoy…

Disclaimer: I don't own FF8 and I don't....wait....that's it....

Chapter 3: Just How It Is

_You know when you start saying something that feels perfect, so right, exactly how you feel? And you haven't even contemplated it before you say it? That's what it felt like being on the phone to Squall. It's always so strange but it always fits too, and you find it strange because you know it's like your subconscious talking and not who everybody else knows, not who I know I am, not who is writing now._

_I told Squall I was sorry, several times over. He was so quiet, even more quiet than I've ever remembered him to be. Yes, it was terrifying but what could I do now? I'd said it, and I knew whatever I did I would follow through what Esthar had requested of me. So there was no point in even trying to make him feel better for a little while and tell him I wasn't going and just leave a note when I did go...I couldn't do that._

_I love to write letters though, and I often do to Squall, lame? Maybe, my friends all say it's silly when I'm sat there in my bed room just writing letter after letter of endless rambling that I know he really won't want to hear. But...I realised last night...when I got all that time to myself...that if I was to go in two months, then we can't waste that time. Not only that but...there were so many things I wanted to say to Squall before I did leave. So many things I never think he'd realise by just watching me...by just kissing me...by just touching me...by even talking to me generally...I'd have to push forward and find someway..._

_I want to record this train of thought in my diary because I know I'll forget half the things I need to tell him, just leaving a sick whole that needs to disappear. Do you ever get that feeling? When you need to tell that someone something so important to you, but maybe not to someone else...but it leaves a sickness in your stomach because you can't remember what it is when you get the opportunity, the reason you forget was you took for granted you'd remember? And with a memory like mine, it's lost for all time and that sickness never really dies..._

_I want him to know that...I think he's simply beautiful. People say horrible stuff about Squall being withdrawn and I honestly never expected to fall so deeply in love with a person like him, but now I couldn't imagine it being any one else. And like that old saying goes 'You can't choose who you love' right? _

_I'm sorry...my diary is kind of like my story teller in a sense, I write in it like my life is a story. It's not even really about me, it's about me and Squall. I didn't even realise it until I read through my old diary. This is my new book and I think I should do some more explaining before I go on to tell you my confessions about how I feel about Squall..._

_After Ultimecia was defeated, everything changed, in a big way! It was like...everyone knew we were gonna live to see another day, well duh! There was no pressure to suddenly spill everything when we got the emotion, their was never a great need to tell each other. Or maybe it was just me, maybe because I was the only one scared out of the group, my friends. Maybe I was the only one that felt like I should tell Squall everything I felt or how I felt when I got the first opportunity, or help make the opportunity. Or for any of my friends. But now, and when the witch was gone...everything...the speed of time...it all seemed close to have almost stopped. We were so used to such a pace, so much action and adreniline and suddenly everything slowed, everything was ok...we could relax...and we all loved it, strangely..._

_Being teenagers we all had fun and bonded even further and began to do normal teenage things. Sometimes getting caught, I'm talking about boozing and...well some of the girls did other stuff that was hiliarious but I won't comment. Me and Squall were just having relaxed fun, I think we were the ones who really realised their still was a clock. So many warm memories of us all chilling out on a huge open grassy field over looking some beautiful view. So many images of Squall laughing and smiling brightly from amusement he felt towards something that our friends had done. I remember laughing a few too many times, and definately one too many snorts. But it always made everyone else laugh all the more._

_I think we just started to appriciate life in general, because we were having so much young fun if you like. And compared to Ultimecia we had nothing to worry about, it's still the same now. Every weekend we go out to somewhere, usually the same field looking out behind the forest of Balamb. We did all go through a bit of a drinking phase, well not Squall. But that kind of came to a stop when their was that incident when I maybe drank a bit too much and ended up being banded from leaving the premises of garden for a long time...yeah....not such a good memory._

_Now we all just sit and chill, joke and...me and Squall...just do everything two young teenage girlfriend and boyfriend would. Cuddle, kiss, laugh, talk...love..._

_There have been things developing between me and him, blossoming, it's hard to imagine about a year ago I thought things were really changing when now and then have no comparison. It's amazing what's been happening over the past couple of months, really unbelievable when I think back to it. I don't mind what's happened but to me it just seems so quick paced suddenly. I'm the loose end in the relationship...so I feel all the time any way. Surprisingly I'm always the last one to say the things I really wanna say, do you know what I mean? Like, I swear I'm his and only his forever. He always says it before me and I always feel like he's so much more...I don't know, admired for his emotion then me. It's not jealousy I feel from it, it's bitterness that my head couldn't bring the words together for me to form sentences and speak them, that I don't act on impulse and tell him when the feeling burns in me. I use the word burn because that's just the way I feel when something develops or highlights in my emotion, or is even created or just renewed...It's just warm and so safe...most of the time any way..._

_Well....erm....maybe you don't want to know whoever reads this but...me and Squall had some....erm...sexual problems I suppose, in the beginning. I was frigid basically...everytime he touched me it was so bizarre. I couldn't breath, everytime I panicked. There was some part of me that felt so at ease in his arms but then there was a part of me that felt so alive and afraid, being alive I wish to never lose but I was wishing so hard that the fear would subside. And...when we kissed properly the first time I only managed. But revisiting some skeletons in my closet only renewed the fear and I couldn't go near him much, especially when he tried to kiss me. Everything was just so alert, and I felt so nervous. I was messed about when I was a little younger that's all..._

_I portray such a care free person don't I? And everybody loves me for my happy nature? But there's something a lot darker, a lot deeper to me. Squall is just so inevitable with his personalty that it's so obvious that he has a similiar demon. But me...no...no one knows. No one can see under my bright smile. I know, I hate it. I've been trying hard to break away from it because it's killing me inside. There's just one voice, it's venermous...and it's constantly whispering things to me that only parylise me to where I stand. Whispers that signify every way he could hurt me, every way any one could hurt me...every way that could be relived..._

_I try so hard to ignore it, and my outer shell does so fantastically, and I have managed to put my own mind to rest, I trust Squall. I do. The whispers cut through to my subconscious and than there's not a damn thing I can do when my subconscious becomes terrified. So everytime he touched me, my subconscious alerted everything, warned every muscle in my body, every cell in my blood. To act against everything that any one could pyschically push on me, and so I'd push him away..._

_There was no way I could relax my subconscious and I had even a less of a chance trying to silence the voice in my head that was causing the problems in the first place, not only was it causing problems for me and Squall...but 'It' had been darkening me inside for years now...too deep and hurtful to go into. So I had to revisit the problem that had been decided by 'It' that would creep and crawl all over everything I ever wanted my life to be, complete. 'It' was ripping me apart (still, is, for different reasons), dragging me away and I needed to rip myself from 'It'. I wanted to express 'It' to Squall, I thought he could help me. But 'It' wouldn't let me...and I was powerless against it. I needed to go back and deep deep down..._

_When I was younger, maybe 13. An older guy decided he liked me, he was about 16, 17. And I thought it would be really cool to tell all my friends that I was dating someone that was that old. I knew everyone would be impressed and I was surprised when he first told me that he liked me. I was totally awe struck, thinking how lucky I was. How wrong I was..._

_I went to my room, yes my father was away and I thought it would be clever to trick the guards into thinking he was a helper from school. It was his idea to come over in the first place but somehow I'd got it into my head that I'd come up with it, or was it him? Maybe..._

_When we entered my room I remember feeling nervous and so I just went for my jewerelly box to collect my mothers necklace that had been passed on to me, something I thought would keep me from worrying and listening to the oh so small demon in my head back then. The next thing I remember he was right behind me and I was too young to really notice that what he was doing was wrong, so giggled a bit, dispite the discomfort I was feeling. I turned around and avoided his gaze then felt him kinda walk in to me to push me in the direction of the bed...I was scared but I still thought he was only doing this because he liked me. _

_The next thing I knew i was laid on the bed and he was making his way on top of me and I didn't know what I was doing. I had no intention of kissing this guy or even...touching him, heck, I didn't even really liked him. I think that's why I always tried to deny the urge to hate him. I thought I deserved it for my own inner intention, I really did believe it was my own fault, I still do...but for other reasons though..._

_So yeah, he was on me and I was in the worse discomfort. I wanted to get out of here, and I wanted to get out fast. Not only was he heavy but his hips were right against mine and I'd heard little things from my friends and the continuous sex education you get at school only made me feel more awkward at the position. I could only look at his eyes, and his smirk for very short moments. Yes. I remember his smirk very well...something so evil and yet so playful and I don't even know whether he wanted to hurt me, whether he realised how bad it did hurt, pyshically and mentally._

_And I spoke out...I can't believe it now but I did..._

_"This kinda hurts..." I moaned to him as he tried to come closer to my lips with his own, my eyes turning in the other direction._

_"Oh." Sudden innocence in his stare. Although I think that was about the only time I saw it..._

_He shifted from me and I fled the room quickly, as soon as I got to the corridor I ran to the bathroom and don't ask why but washed my hands. I watched myself in the mirror for a bit still thinking about how cool the girls were gonna think this was. I hate the way I used to think, I'm glad I feel like I've escaped it. I would never think that way about anything me and Squall ever do or did. I think I may tell my best friends like Kara and Selphie and Quistas...maybe Xu. But...I couldn't do anything like that for the pure reason so I could 'kiss and tell'. I hate myself when I look back on the years before I met Squall, man I still do...god I make myself so pyschically sick sometimes... _

_I went back, I think I heard someone walk downstairs assuming that was him I walked back into my room thinking it was safe to enter again so I could get some privacy. I was wrong, he was stood by the door. I guess he was waiting for me..._

_I looked at him nervously and gave a weak smile. I turned to face him and suddenly he was holding me, this was too odd. I couldn't stand it, I felt so wrong. And suddenly he was making his way to the bed again, with me, stepping backwards. Face in his chest, gasping slightly in panic. Lying me down again he came on top of me just a little more gentle then the last time. I looked at him again than laughed nervously...than it really started. He kissed me, just on the lips...until I felt his tongue on them. And I felt like vommiting right at that moment..._

_I didn't know how to react, heck my hormones weren't even in my system yet. He parted my lips with his tongue and all I could do was lay there, my eyes open watching his closed. It was so scary. I remember my heart racing, and I remember his breath on my face when he pulled away for moments to take in and out air. His hand was on my arm, stroking it. After a few minutes he was moving, oddly...but in a rythm, and it was all over me. And I felt sicker by the minute that their was a slight moan behind his kisses. Now I understand what he was doing and how he was feeling...the sick bastard..._

_Finally reaching total discomfort and insecurity I moved away, my head turned. His eyes flickered with shock and he focused on me, his arm in the way of my rolling route out of here. So I shifted noticing that we were awfully close to the end of the bed. I thought if I could just move a bit than I could just run but it didn't work that way. He let his arm move slightly and I moved slowly towards the end, watching him. He was moving with me...and he was still hot and heavy against me. I couldn't stop watching him and his eyes, something I couldn't label, something I can only describe as sick desire in his eyes. _

_Suddenly I fell down, hitting my head on the floor, spluttering with shock when suddenly I felt the warmth of his heavy body against mine again. I didn't know where we stood any more, I just wanted him as a friend. I didn't even realise what having a real boyfriend was about. So then he laughed, and so did I. But then his lips were close again and I couldn't do it. I turned my head away. And that created a flicker of anger, and I could feel it in his stare even if I wasn't looking. _

_Soon we were on our feet again and I headed for the door when he grabbed my arm, it was so forceful and I really thought he was just going to let me go now. He could escort himself out. But obviously not because the next thing I felt was the stone wall hard against my back. I shivered and cried a little but he came up close and pushed himself against me again. Only this time I didn't mistake the look in his eyes, hunger. Looking everywhere but at him, he kissed me and he was moving 'that' way again. _

_Pushing him a bit to get off me resulting in a sharp hit to my face and some of my neck. I was shocked but suddenly he was gone, storming out the room. I was left to feel guilty and so mixed up inside. Had I done something wrong? At that moment I didn't know. Later on that day I went to the park. It was small and hidden away by lots of trees but a lot of my friends all hung out here. It was by my fathers mansion. I sat on the round about, it was my favourite at the time. I'd just sat in my room for the longest time after he left, even at 13 I realised that this room was suffacating me and I needed to escape, just for a little while. So I went to the park and swung on the swings, luckily my friends were there. But suddenly I recognised a tall older teenage boy striding towards me from a distance. I had two of my friends with me at the time so I didn't feel so insecure. I should of._

_He looked angry, very angry. And he was still storming my way and all I could do was sit glued to my seat. He stopped before the round about and hit me again around my face, I'd been gripping tight to the bars for some reason. The tension in my muscles had automated the reaction I guess. But the hit knocked me off balance and I let go, the next thing I knew I was spinning, only I hit the bar and fell off painfully in a heap next to the spinning round about. I remember watching his foot steps and hearing my friend's panicking behind me (well at least one of them) but asking whether I was ok...and I didn't know whether I was. He must of swung the round about around when I'd let go. Holding my arm and face, and my hip, which I think I hurt. I walked home...and that was the last time I ever saw him._

_Ever since that day I'd been shaky with guys who looked at me with those same eyes but sometimes I was powerless to do anything when they did touch me, I tried to move on and trapped the memory in a dark corner of my mind. But my demon still whispered the memory to my subconscious, and when several of my later boyfriends all became hot and heavy the same way he did I froze in fear. There was even one time when I'd said I didn't wanna undress and he still pulled everything off me, I remember feeling so embarrassed and scared. He ignored every word I said and just kissed me so strongly, it was the same scenerio, except he didn't hit me and he was a better actor then my worse encounter. All he did was butter me up with all these comments about me being beautiful and so perfect and that we were gonna have a family and everything. I got lost somewhere behind his words, I thought maybe this was the way it was suppose to be. Maybe boyfriends just do that, maybe they just force their girlfriends to do that kind of thing. I thought maybe I was the one wrong..._

_I know that what happened in my fathers mansion and in the park was wrong, but only because I knew it was a mild case of abuse and I feel so pathetic to tell anyone about this. There's woman out there that have been totally...and I...don't feel right 'complaining' about something that can't even be put near in comparison to some things that other women have been through. But I think if I just get it all out then maybe the memory will lay to rest and never affect me again. Yet...there's still some part of me that believes I deserved it, there's still some part of me that thinks I did something wrong, or maybe he could see that I would turn into a horrid person. Maybe it was 'It' that was telling me this, maybe 'It' is the reason I still feel the same..._

_So when Squall began to get 'hot and heavy' on me...I thought it was all dead, I didn't even think about it at all when I met Squall. Everything that has ever happened me to make me cry or bitter all disappears when he just holds me. But as soon as his lips pressed against mine, and I could feel his 'loving' hunger, my subconscious refused my own mind, refused my body to allow it. And I couldn't do a damn thing, I even dreamed about doing 'things' with Squall and I certainly imagined it some times so when I couldn't touch or kiss him I hated myself, I didn't know why. Then when I embraced the memory...I started to relax. _

_Everyone in the school always asks whether I'm still virgin and when I say I am they gasp and say things like 'I knew Squall was frigid'. And I feel terrible because it was never his fault, why should they get the right to slag him off for something that wasn't even his fault. I had to tell them that I wasn't ready and they'd say 'You don't have to cover for him'. I was screaming in my head, and 'It' was laughing with such satisfaction. _

_Now it's not so bad, I get a bit shaky now and again but I feel so good when he kisses me. I can even get 'hot and heavy' on him because I want to, and I feel so comfortable now when he does. I love and trust him so much. Were just having teenage fun I suppose...but when I think about it and recall memories it feels like so much more than just 'teenage fun', it feels so much more deeper. Sometimes I want to kiss him so passionately but I feel so silly, I wanna coress his skin so softly...I want him to feel special by my touch. I want to make him feel just the way I do, and believe me it's such a new feeling._

_Seifer did touch me but I could never get to grips with it. We never spent enough time together any way, so he always used to ignore the fact that we didn't do 'stuff'. Also that summer none of his mates or lackeys were around so he never showed off, just tried to be himself and had a laugh with me. Which was nice, I won't deny it but I wanted to say that Seifer never pressured me._

_...I suppose you think I'm being slightly ignorant to the fact that I'm leaving right? I'm telling you my past so easily, as if nothing's bothering me. Well believe me...leaving, just the idea, is horrible to imagine. But..I'm trying to look at it as if there is nothing else I can do, this is my responsibility. Isn't it? I can destroy the world at the drop of, I dunno, coin...sounds lame, ANY WAY!!! Then I can save it in the same time, and this is that opportunity to see that duty through. And I know Squall can't see that, I know some part of him is bitter at me for accepting it. Maybe even a little hatred, it's understandable...right?..._

_You see, I'm flaking now aren't I? That sweet girl exterior is disappearing again, and I wish I could be her all the time. Even if everyone thinks she's foolish she's better that the scared whimpering girl that's appearing now. I don't want to go, I don't want to go..._

_Maybe I should write about something else, take my mind off it. That's ignoring the problem isn't it? Is there a problem, you've decided you're going! Man I'm kinda talking to myself, I feel messed up. Well I really don't have the right to start telling myself I'm messed up. It's my own stupid fault. Just figure out what feels wrong and shut up Rinny!_

_Ermm....ok...yes...I'm leaving. I don't wanna think about this, oh god, I have to tell everyone as well. I can't face everyone else. This is horrible, are they gonna cry? Or will they even care? Or will they just be content? I don't have a clue. I do...but 'It' won't let me answer what I know will happen. 'It' makes me feel so wrong to care, 'It' only came when I started out to be adventurous. 'It' has always been with me and it's gotten so much stronger ever since I recieved the Sorceress powers. Does Edea know about this, can she sense my distress? Cuz I need to talk to her...I need some help...now..._

_I can't leave, it'll change everything and I can't pretend that it won't, oh god, what am I suppose to do at this moment? It's never easy, why can't you just give me something to help? I can't ask it of Squall...he's all torn up. Can't you see I am!? _

_I can't be angry...it's my own fault..._

_They can't take me, I'll miss so much. What if someone gets pregnant or married? Or something bad happens? Or Squall meets someone? Should I offer to walk away? My god! What's going on!? Why is everything so chaotic, please someone put me back to the person I was before everything went so off the scale. What did happen? Why can't I think straight any more? Especially now when...life is suddenly being thrown at something so paced. God I feel so confused..._

_I don't deserve to feel confused...it's my own fault..._

_Am I really telling myself that!?_

_This is crazy...yet again nothings concluded. What happened to the Rinoa that everyone loved, the carefree girl who was so up beat? Why is it so difficult to go back to her, the person I used to fit so naturally? The person even though ridiculed was so confident and out going..._

_Just what exactly am I suppose to think? Do I need to talk to someone about this? Do I deserve it? I'm stronger than asking for help..._

_I would never used to say that, what's...what's happening to me...?_

_Author's Note: Kinda a tiny bit darker hey? Thought I'd add a bit more depth to her character but I know it seems a little scary. If you don't like it than tell me but if you do then thanks so much and....tell me, lol. E.g. REVIEW!!! PLEASE!!!! Thanks so much for all the people who are patiently waiting for these chapters, I know I take forever. Sorry! Thanks for reading again!!! Thanks for all those people who have supported me so far, you've really encouraged me to continue writing. THANKS!!!! HOPE YA LIKE THIS INSTALLMENT!!!! (psst, I promise it will get a bit more motion orientated more than just POV's and writing about how the characters feel. If you think the story and plot and my own past to the characters is a little misty tell me and I'll try to clear it up, thanks!!!) (psst, oh yeah and sorry this chapter's not quite as long as the others....)_


	5. Chapter 4: Why'd YOU cry?

Disclaimer: Don't sue me…pretty please…

Author's Note: I'm taking forever with the chapters, I realise, I am sorry. Constant writers block.

Chapter 3:

Dropping the diary and pen in her lap, Rinoa also let her head smack into the headboard of her bed. Sighing deeply, a headache being created. She closed her eyes and let her body shudder for a moment as her eyes stung behind the lids, the display of darkness. It was well into the evening of the second day since the threatening phone call. Coming in and out of sleep for the past 48 hours, the grogginess of her life was ever continuing to fuzz any common sense. All of her muscles aching from tension and lack of rest, eyes red from tears, headache from deep continuous thought. Nothing would stop for her, she was a fool to ever anticipate the world stopping just for her to get her act together.

What was there left to do now? She'd expressed her sorrow to Squall, she'd accepted the fact she had to leave to get the treatment. There was nothing left to do, she wouldn't rebel against the situation however much her heart demanded it. She didn't want to burden Squall with her emotion that would only crush them both further. And she certainly didn't feel like doing what she usually did when she got down, order pizza and watch sad movies. Locking herself in here, inside herself was just fine. Unfortunately fate had a different idea of the way Rinoa should get through this…

"RINOA!!!" A squeaky familiar voice echoed through the dormitory followed by repeated bangs to the door. "You'll never guess WHAT!"

"Selphie…" Rinoa moaned, frowning.

"You there girl!?" Selphie questioned somewhat less confidant than her last expression.

Rinoa kept quiet, trying not to breath loudly. Hoping to god Selphie would just leave her alone, thinking the silence would trigger some thought in that head of hers that Rinoa wasn't here.

"I checked your rooms status before I came down here so don't even try to pretend your not!!!" Selphie screamed with sudden stubbornness.

"Fuck…" Rinoa moaned. "Selphie, I'm tired, please. Just leave me alone."

"No! Open up!!! Edea needs to see you right away but I KINDLY said I'd tell you to come to her so I could get a chance to talk to you! Plllleeeeaaaasssseee Rinny!" The mousy haired girl begged outside her door.

Rinoa rolled over towards her door then hit the switch, the doors sliding open instantly. Rinoa held her head hung low as to avoid direct eye contact with her friend, the strength wasn't even within her to hold herself high, not just yet…

"What?" The raven haired girl questioned lowly and impatiently.

Wide emerald eyes glazed slightly at the sore sight of the darkened room and the slump body of the sorceress addressing her now. Shock calling the young seeD body ridgid, her bottom lip questioned with silence, many thoughts rushing through her mind. Maybe Rinoa had just been sleeping and that's why her room was…a mess….and the lights were off…and she was still in her usual clothes? What happened?

"Rinoa…?" Selphie whimpered like a dog. "Are you ok?"

"No, I'm not." Rinoa retorted with a sneer raising her head, the strands of her ebony hair shifting behind her, revealing those dark eyes. Sorceress powers creating some mystery with her stare. "I don't feel up for anything girly today Self, I'm sorry."

"B-but what's wrong?" Selphie took a step forward releasing her body from the shock and into insane curiosity and concern.

"Just something happened." Rinoa would almost die by those words, something weak triggered her voices fault as it skipped a little. Shaking her head to rid herself of the weakness that had been growing stronger and stronger ever since she fell in love with the seeD commander she gulped hard and turned her vision away. "Did you say that Edea wanted me?"

Of course, she'd missed her training the other afternoon. Why hadn't Edea requested her earlier? That was strange, she hadn't even thought on it. Could Edea even sense the lowness that shrouded her now? Or the confusion? Surely Edea would be the first one to come running in fear Rinoa would lose control of her powers and create some trauma? Rinoa didn't care too much for the reason at this point any way but the questions had to be voiced if Selphie didn't give the answer straight away.

"She said she needed to see you immediately due to something she felt…but…I don't care about that. What happened Rinoa? Talk to me please!" Selphie pleaded, the sorrow present in her huge emerald eyes as she scanned over her friends features in order to find some kind of a clue to what had happened.

Rinoa walked out of the door and continued to walk past…

"Selphie, we'll talk later about it…" Rinoa murmured just above a breathless whisper.

Selphie was left by the door, watching the young sorceress pace away, Rinoa's body visibly tightening with every step she took. Some kind of strength flowing through her, or just the mask that everyone had to place upon in times of uncharacteristic changes. The easy way to avoid the attention, the easy and yet ever bittering way to pull away from the care.

Entering the quad the usual refreshing breeze froze against Rinoa's body unkindly and the calmness of soundless air only made Rinoa feel even uneasier. Everything this environment once created for the young woman was shattered in the presence of the daunting leave she would have to take. And the 'baggage' she would have to leave behind.

Aquamarine blues painted in symbols across the floor and lights, the emerald greens and the ivy green mixing together in the nature's growth and the pale grey of the pavement underneath her feet created the soft environment. However there were no birds chirping as she would usually always hear, and definitely no band practising. Rinoa was suspicious but continued in her angry steps towards the over view of the distance, where whoever came here could sit and relax. She nearly always found Matron here.

And unsurprisingly, as Rinoa stepped out into the clearing she could see Matron sat at a bench furthest way from the fenced edge of the Quad, a cliff once Rinoa had fallen down. Not hesitating in her way towards the kind gentle woman that Matron was naturally, Rinoa noticed that the orphanage parent didn't intend to look her way either.

Finally approaching the beautiful woman, sitting peacefully, engaging the splendour of the clear blue sky, Rinoa raised her hands to her hips. This wasn't fair to carry the attitude she did, especially when directed to the ex-sorceress, but it couldn't be helped the way she felt right now, or was it just another excuse?

"Selphie said you requested me?" Rinoa responded to the silence impatiently.

Without flinching Matron continued to watch the sky with all its calmness, perhaps drawing the same sense of coolness from the heavens into her own exterior and interior. She slowly nodded, still not following her eyes through to the young sorceress standing proudly beside her.

"Would you like to tell me what happened?" Matron sounded through steady words.

Rinoa shivered, even without the sorceress' powers Matron could still sense and feel everything Rinoa did and even today it still freaked her out. She shouldn't be surprised but every moment this sort of thing came up, it still scared her to thin someone shared whatever she felt inside. Emotions she believed were easy to hide maybe weren't.

Her arms loosening, she sat down next to Matron without an invitation and sunk into the back of the uncomfortable oak seat, then sighed heavily. What to express? The obligation? Or the effects on her own life? This wasn't just about her, this was about the world and creating a higher rate of safety 'just in case' anything were to happen, so would Matron sympathise with the confusion and desperation she was feeling regarding her 'social' life? Essentially, that's what Esthar saw it as. But the display during the Ultimecia war must have showed something very different than just a teenage romance. Surely.

"You received a call I believe?" Matron questioned turning her head further towards the sky in taking the fresh scent of near buy growing lavender.

Quirking an eye brow Rinoa looked over the ebony haired lady as she smiled lightly to herself than turned to acknowledge the sorceress' confusion and suspicion. Trying to word a question Rinoa's lips parting but sound wasn't made in time before Matron could answer what hadn't been vocally puzzled…

"Esther have been in contact with Cid only I'm not to know unless you are settled with the idea of me receiving the information. I didn't come here to find the reason for the commotion and confusion and hurt that you feel purely out of interest, it's stirring things inside of you. I'm…concerned…" The words played on her lips very convincingly, but there was something else behind those words, it wasn't just Matron's concern behind them. She was voicing others.

Blinking a couple of times to rid herself of the liquid that was lightly building, she nodded her head slowly…

"Of course I agree to you gaining this information, however suspicious Esther is of you." Rinoa stated strongly and harshly. "I received a call from Esther officials telling me I have to comply to a 2 year period of removal treatment which will be assigned to Doctor Odine who has apparently been working on the project for a long time."

"Removal treatment? That's new." Matron's tone progressed with some disgusted emotion.

"To remove Ultimecia's and Adel's powers. So that we can get back to the original time line of sorceress' powers, so that my-or your old powers, can progress the way they were 'naturally' intended to. They spared me on the details but they pretty much said it was an obligation, and whether President Laguna knew or offered me the privilege of letting me continue with these powers, they weren't a group that worked under the President's state of law. In other words, if I don't go, they'll come get me. And there's nothing Sir Laguna can do about it." Rinoa stared into blank space, she did wonder whether this came as a shock to Matron but either way it really didn't matter so she refused herself the urge to read the express printed on the lady's face.

"And you feel twisted up and scared because…you'll be without Squall?" Matron didn't need the reply, just a twitch in Rinoa's features answered her. "I suppose he wouldn't talk to anyone yesterday and looked exhausted because you told him?"

Rinoa nodded her head very slowly, the tears bobbling in the corners of her eyes.

"Does any one else know?" Matron continued to question.

Rinoa shook her head, holding back a whimper.

Matron was quick to embrace the child in her thin pale arms, just as strongly as any comforting well built person could ever give her. And Rinoa cried, more and more…

'But there's something else my child…isn't there?' Matron thought to herself while embracing the young woman in her arms. 'I'm sorry I burdened you with this…I wish you could understand the moment I had to find my heir...'

Rinoa strode down the corridor towards her own safe hide away, her dormitory. After her talk with Matron she'd decided to tell everyone close to her, get it out in the open and hopefully they'll make her feel better. This was entirely strengthened by the idea that it might give Rinoa some sort of strength, however that would happen. It was more of an order from Matron to do so, Rinoa had numbly agreed once again. She kind of did want to tell her closest friends about it now, they did have a right to know, didn't they? If she cared for them at all, then she should just be totally honest with them? Isn't that the key to any good relationship? Didn't matter she was about to find out.

Rinoa was now sat at her computer desk, typing at a steady pace pinning in the excess codes to a programme only seeD's were allowed to use or even gain knowledge of, even then only high ranking seeD's gained the 'privilege'. It was a programme which reported people's entrance and exit of rooms, dormitories mostly. Rinoa and her friends used this programme a lot to find each other in the case of an 'emergency' meaning the programme hadn't been used at all for a true emergency.

She'd decided to talk to Kara first, she being Rinoa's best friend probably would deserve to know the truth (A/N: Wanna know more about Kara? Read 'She Will Be Loved.'). The only problem being, she was on a trip at the current moment and however gutless it was, she would have to tell Kara over the phone. Than she'd tell Selphie, Xu and Quistas, although she had a fair idea that Xu already knew considering she was Cid's right hand woman.

'Selphie Tilmitt' Rinoa typed…

'Response…Selphie Tilmitt: Dormitory 301.' Flashed on screen in arial blue white font, a blue print map displayed as a background of the birds eye view of Selphie's dormitory.

_At least I can tell her in private I suppose…just call Kara first…how's she gonna react? Guess I'll see…_

Yanking the phone from beside her on the desk she punched in the numbers to Kara's mobile. The familiar ringing sounded from the sound piece moments later as Rinoa rested the set to the side of her head, staring up at the ceiling now, somehow just a little nervous. Rinoa also realised if she buckled with tears and distraught behaviour than she'd have a rebellion on her hands against the Esther officials, she had to act as it her duty, but…still plead for support in some…twisted way…

Pulled out of her thought concerning her own sentence structure during the close conversation, she heard the sweet kind voice of Kara…

"Hey-lo?" Sounding like a happy-go-lucky fool, Rinoa could only smile.

"Hey, Kara it's me, Rin." Rinoa tried to press as if nothing was wrong, the flat tone told otherwise.

"Hey love, how are you?" Kara was totally unaware of the insecurity or the missing strength or carelessness in her friend's last sentence.

"Listen Kara, can I ask a favour?" Rinoa was going to try a not so direct approach but something that would kind of slowly bring Kara round to the facts. "Can you come back a.s.a.p. cuz I think we need to spend some time together, as much as we possibly can."

Arousing the curiosity that Rinoa had intended to cause Kara question but agree she continued in confusion…

"Of course, but why so sudden?" She laughed lightly to brush off any seriousness she once had tagged to her curiosity.

"I…look, I have to go to Esther to undergo…" She paused, this was just going to sound so damn weird for Kara. Yes, she was aware of what Rinoa possessed but by far she didn't understand it. She wasn't around when everything kicked off with Ultimecia, she didn't witness just what the reason for the treatment was. So how was she going to understand this? "Treatment…" She finally breathed. "For quite a while and I've only got around two months left."

"W-what…?" Kara sounded gob smacked. "For how long?" Another nervous laugh escaped down the line.

"Could be up to two years…" Ouch, Rinoa knew that was going to hit hard…why didn't she realise any of this when she told Squall? Because she was hysterical about it herself? Why hadn't she readier the respectful approach to the subject then? No wonder he was so…distant at the moment…

"TWO YEARS!? W-wait, you have to do this? I haven't been around I know so maybe I don't realise a couple of things…but…" Kara didn't sound so happy-go-lucky any more and she didn't sound friendly or warm either.

"Yes…it's a responsibility of mine I suppose..." Rinoa moaned, proving to Kara just the sulky teenage she'd become.

"Oh…oh god…no…that's bad…" Kara murmured somehow turning warmly, as if she was questioning whether to step in Rinoa's way or not. "Of course, we'll go out and have fun soon. I promise." There was an immediate change, she was back to the happy girl, not forgetting the situation with the warmness she was also expressing with her words but still almost forgiving of the fact that Rinoa would take her leave.

A little taken aback, Rinoa blinked a few times than continued…_she's…she's fine with it?_

"Any way, I've got to go and…tell the others ya know? So, erm, just enjoy the rest of the trip and give me a bell when you get back. K?" Rinoa almost a little hurt asked with a fake smile to voice.

"Yes of course, love." Kara replied.

Rinoa had hung up quickly after that, and just as paced left her dormitory behind in a haze of confusion. Selphie was next…

_She…she was just shocked? She doesn't even understand the fact that I don't actually HAVE a choice here…but she was still…fine…she didn't even ask that many questions about it…have I ust fooled myself into thinking all these years she cared about me? I just…don't understand…_

_Maybe she just can't carry it on board at the moment, I mean I know she's got her own problems and everything but she didn't show me anything back there…she was shocked, she was! She does care! Just stop thinking about it._

Standing outside Selphie's dormitory she hesitated but slowly hit her fist on the door, gently in a familiar social jingle. Taking in a deep breath Rinoa straightened herself out, still unable to erase the careless attitude from Kara to the fact that she would be gone for 2 YEARS. Maybe she was over reacting? Was she? Squall was hurt? But he understood more than her, didn't he? Kara was her best friend! Why did she not even fight Rinoa about it? Was it the way Rinoa had addressed the subject, is that why Kara tried to mirror the attitude she got?

Suddenly the door flung open and an unfamiliar bored looking Selphie appeared in it's frame, her eyes lighting up like bulbs immediately when they caught sight of Rinoa. Still in the usual yellow tight stripped dress and mousy flicks swaying as she dashed forward towards the raven haired girl to embrace her.

Rinoa steadied herself, taking one leg back and supporting her weight from falling backwards as the girl flung into her…

"Oh man, I was doing ancient weaponry revision; you don't know just how bored I was!" Rubbing her head against the sorceress' chest in what could only be reasoned by her gratitude towards Rinoa from 'saving' her. "Hey…" Selphie stepped back, realising the young woman from the tight embrace, raising an eye brow high and looking suddenly suspicious. "You were all mean to me earlier on, what was with that? You ok?" Her expression softening a bit.

Rinoa gulped…here we go again…

"You can't go!" Selphie was sat on the other end of her bed with huge puppy dog eyes. "I won't let you!" Selphie once again, jumped at Rinoa, with free arms sprawling in the air as she jumped across the bed.

Rinoa wheezed a little as the arms tightly wrapped around her thin body, crushing her slightly, well this was certainly a reaction. Suddenly she was gone, sat at the other end of the bed again looking shifty; she had FAR too much energy…

"I don't trust Odine any way…never liked short men with big noses." Selphie frowned angrily.

Selphie wasn't taking this seriously. Rinoa felt hurt and shocked, and didn't even realise how her facial features dropped suddenly. Almost too difficult but just manageable, Rinoa picked herself up off the bed looking away from Selphie…

"Look, erm, I have to tell Xu and Quistas now." She brushed herself off, pulling the newly formed creases. "I'll leave you to think about it…"

Was it just her or did suddenly everything seem like her life had been JUST a girly dream and maybe they weren't the best friends she'd fought with when Ultimecia had been around and threatened the world. What happened to that moment when she realised she wasn't alone. She certainly felt like that again now!

Selphie did say she didn't want Rinoa to go but the point was she'd done it in such an immature way, but that was just Selphie, right? She was VERY care free in all serious situations…from what she could remember any way…this was crazy, maybe she really was just over reacting. But the seriousness felt very real…

Xu was a lot more serious than Selphie, maybe she'd cry. Suddenly it dawned on Rinoa, this was what she used to be. Someone desperate for love, was she that insecure that she needed to see these people cry to prove that they cared about her? That was ridiculous. So what if they didn't cry, maybe they didn't care to the extent she had believed but they still cared. Cursing herself for being so selfish she ad to pause a moment to bit her lip and close her eyes, holding back a tear…she was just…frustrated…that's all…

_Another excuse? Just because you just received some information that's giving you the opportunity to cure yourself, you turn this into something all about you…shame they didn't cry but get over it, your so weak sometimes…pathetic…_

_Please…just go away…_

Sniffling a bit, she turned to look around the environment, there was no one here to witness her short break or whimper. Nobody…

_Xu…just focus on getting there…to…Xu…_

"Wow…that's not fair." Xu replied.

Rinoa paused for a moment looking at Xu, she didn't really expect much of a reaction but sympathy or empathy would have been nice.

_I'm just over reacting, I don't care if they don't cry. It doesn't mean anything, nothing to me. Absolutely, I mean, me and Squall can just get through it, he cares, I know he does. They do care! They just trust that I'll come back…_

_No, they don't care…and neither should you…_

_SHUT UP! I never asked for you!_

Rinoa continued pacing down the corridor, becoming more and more aggressive in her steps.

Entering the library she immediately took in the sudden calm quiet of the study area. Endless shelves of books Rinoa would rather die than read, the front desk made from dark stained wood. Heavy lighting lamps looming the area as the day went well into the evening, eye strain as a result of reading in poor lighting.

Before she'd left Xu's she'd checked the programme to find out where Quistas was. And if the others hadn't given much of a reaction, then Quistas certainly wouldn't either.

The two girls hadn't always been on steady ground as a result of Squall. The awkwardness of the situation when Rinoa had strode on the scene and 'stole' him away from her, always remained bitter in Quistas, and how she continued to tell herself that she loved Squall in a sisterly way. Rinoa didn't buy it either, but still the relationship had developed between the two. And in fact, they had grown close in a strange sort of way. They shared a lot of things together, mainly because they trusted in a distant judgement. However recently they had begun to have fool hardy laughs together…but this didn't sway Rinoa judgement to the fact that Quistas could possibly be one of the two that cared for her the least.

Sure enough, she was were Rinoa had assumed she'd be. Sat at the back of the lonely library reading some in-depth monster history profile book or something. She was leaving for a month to Deling City to visit friends and she wasn't 100 of the monsters that lay in that region. Even though Rinoa could tell her everything about the place, Quistas hadn't requested Rinoa's help. No surprise…

Taking unsure steps of whether to act like she gave a damn now, she took it slowly until Quistas actually noticed her approaching her. The pointlessness she felt at this point was…very depressing, why was she even bothering telling her? Oh yeah, respect to friends and all that.

Quistas' clear sky blue eyes peered up hesitively to the blob of blue that had been in the corner of her eye. Pushing her glasses up her nose she smiled gracefully at Rinoa who just nodded in response to the greeting. Her arm sped out to the chair next to her and pulled it out, Quistas quickly eyed the page number of the book than closed it…

"How ya doing?" Quistas questioned.

"Not so good. But ah well…and you?" Rinoa sarcastically replied.

The blonde raised an eye brow and continued to look at Rinoa deeply…

"What's wrong? You came looking for me right?" Quistas smirked, almost feeling a little confident and warm with the fact.

Rinoa smiled lightly and nodded.

"Yeah, I might have. Don't let it go to your head or anything." Rinoa giggled.

Did she really just giggle freely? A little shocked Rinoa widened her eyes at the realisation, it was only for a moment. A moment ignored by the recently passed instructor sat in front of her. That was very strange though.

"Have you been alright lately?" Where was all of this suddenly coming from? Rinoa was acting on her emotion without even realising it until after she'd done the motion.

"Yeah, just stuff ya know. Any way, what's wrong with you? Is it serious?" Quistas seemed a little more concerned Rinoa had expected.

The sorceress gulped, this was no sweat. Even if the status of their relationship was really unsure at this moment, it wouldn't be any different to how the others had reacted. So why hesitate? She'd already told the story four times today! So she knew how to say it!

"I received a phone call from Esther officials practically demanding that I go there to undergo treatment. It's something that can 'erase' the sorceress powers of Ultimecia and Edea so we can get back on track with how the sorceress powers of this time are suppose to play, ya know? Just…kinda feel a bit down about it because it'll take two years, and we all know if it doesn't work than their gonna keep me." Rinoa shrugged than looked down, it was her fate now, she understood that, hearing herself say it four times finally cut through to her head. "So, you being my friend I just thought you should know…I'm leaving I suppose." Sighing heavily she finally looked up to read Quistas' assumable blank expression.

What she saw was very different…

"You're leaving?" Sudden uncertainties clear in Quistas' voice.

Rinoa's eyes widened from the dispassionate one she had worn before, the one she had believed Quistas would be wearing. The blondes brown knitted her lips apart, salt water gathering and sudden limp posture. This wasn't something Rinoa recognised at all. No, the blonde looked, if she was correct, hurt, horrified, scared.

Dazed, Rinoa gulped hard. All the emotions she thought she would of cried out over the phone to Kara were suddenly choking her. But…because of Quistas!?

"Q?" Rinoa questioned.

The instructors lip quivering slightly as she formed the sentences to cry out, her eyes looking all the more desperate…

"You can't leave, you can't leave now!" This irrationality was completely new, to anybody Rinoa thought. She felt uneasy seeing this distant yet strangely close friend become so open about an emotion or connection she wasn't even sure they shared. "I need you!" And that hit the top of Rinoa's shock, who knows if Quistas could do it again.

Still gob smacked Rinoa could only watch as Quistas let the salt water trickle down her cheek, slowly but in a thick stream down her fair pale skin. In reply, she could only say…

"I'm sorry…"

At this moment, Rinoa felt like a jerk. She'd saved all the professionalism for the friends in her life that, at this point didn't seem to care. And let all of the distraught or uncaring side of her appear to those who really she should of tried her hardest to be strong for, Squall and Quistas. Granted, she had no CLUE that Quistas would react this way but…still…now she felt awful.

Quistas shook her head, than took a deep breath trying to recollect herself. Moments later she gulped hard, in the similar loud fashion Rinoa had than wiped her eyes, lifting her glasses with her other hand. Facing her body towards the desk she had been working at before…

"No…" Quistas hesitated, looking straight down to the cover of her book. "…no…I'm sorry. I really am, I'm so selfish aren't I?" She laughed lightly to herself than sniffed.

"God…you were crying…I'm sorry I didn't want to up set you, I didn't think you'd care." Rinoa cried, the guilt choking her. "You don't need me you fool! You're an independent lady, you'll be ok…I promise…" The sorceress slowed…_Oh god Quistas I'm so sorry…I didn't wanna make YOU cry…Why'd YOU cry?_

"You're coming back!" Quistas laughed further, still trying to recompose herself, still unable to lift her head to meet Rinoa's eye sight. "Look…I should be going…thank you for telling me."

Rinoa watched in shock, these moments, this meeting, it was flying by. It was out of control. There was nothing she could do but watch in shock, her breath was gone and even she felt hurt now that she'd hadn't realised just what good friends they had been despite the bitterness…that had…passed…that's right! It was over!

The instructor stood from her seat, gripped the book in one hand than briefly smiled at Rinoa without eye contact and walked away. Still holding her pride high over the tears that could spill in her pace, Quistas felt the emptiness of something unpredictable, her future two years without Rinoa. Had it really sunk it that quickly? Was that just a moment of hysteria? Could she act cool again in five minutes…? Why had this affected her so rapidly?

"Quistas please! I promise!" But the blonde kept striding. "I'll come back!" The determination ever more strong. But she was gone…the doors slid open for Quistas…than close…after Quistas…

_I promise…_

Stepping out from the library almost half an hour later, Rinoa rubbed her temples, closed her eyes and continued to step towards her dormitory. Perhaps it was time she got some sleep, she'd face enough people today and the emotion was still strong. The shock, in deed, extremely fresh. The confusion of whether the reactions where due to lack of care or heaps of strength and understanding…or maybe it was her own fault for being so bold in her speech…and how Quistas had reacted, how had she not SEEN that!?

Sighing in frustration she refocused her vision on her steps when suddenly she noticed at the end of the isle someone else feeling the same hurt and confusion as her towards the current situation, someone who looked very much…like the old person he used to be…someone who Rinoa was afraid of…

"Squall…?" She mouthed, barely audible.

He just nodded and tried to smile…

Her heart raising and the fresh hurt being dug at again, she felt the faintness take her legs first. And then the sweating, and the lump in her throat and soon a sharp pain in her head, everything was falling in around her. His eyes looked distant, she couldn't reach him…

_Oh god Squall please don't turn your back on us! Please, don't go back there!_

She tried to take a step forward but it didn't seem to work and she faltered slightly, deciding suddenly that wasn't such a good idea she decided to stick to the spot she was now placed…but he wasn't moving any closer to her. And that only aroused the deeper fear that this time they'd be no way to grip him…

"What ya…" She coughed, her voice sounded funny, almost choked. "…what ya doing?"

"Nothing." He shrugged, hands in his pockets.

"Oh…" She replied.

It was like when they first met, only she hadn't been scared then. She hadn't understood the signs of his caving in withdrawal and the fear it created for her. And the hurt it created for her.

Some kind of sense hit into her brain, she didn't want to crush Squall any more with her weakness. She had to learn from what she just did, she had to move on from it. She had to be confident, professional; this was all about her duty.

"We need to talk." She spoke with all the more confidence she'd had to almost keel over to muster. Tears stinging her eyes.

"Yes…" He replied with monotone.

"Let's go somewhere private…" Rinoa pouted, raising her head higher. The pain in her chest becoming ever more sharp and painful.

_To Be Continued…_

Author's Note: Ok, sorry, I've done a lot of work on this thing lately, well, not a lot. But I ended an extension to one of the scenes in Iced In Memory. And there's a new prologue, a poem, shit I know but it was spontaneous. But now 'Reason' is chapter 1 and so forth. R R please and yeah, fine flames if you must. Thanks for any one who's reading, cuz I really enjoy writing.


	6. Chapter 5: Held In Memory

Disclaimer: Man, I really wanna do a cool and funny disclaimer but it takes so much effort…so just do us BOTH a favour and don't sue me. Cuz I don't CLAIM to owe any of the bloody characters so there Sticks her tongue out. But please don't sue me…Cowers

Author's Note: I just noticed on most fan fics there's like little keys at the beginning of fics saying what the italics and unlined language and stars mean and stuff and I feel bad for not doing it so from this moment on I'm going to give warnings and little 'keys' so you are aware…if anyone is reading this of course. And if you are, my god I praise you…haven't got any reviews in a while…not a good sign…Sniff sniff.

_Italics_: Rinoa's thoughts.

_Underlined Italics_: Some other deep voice of Rinoa's that doesn't really have a real name, just call it an inner demon.

'Apostrophes' (Is that how you spell it?): Other characters thoughts, specifies the thinker right after the thought.

Stars: Rinoa's thoughts on a memory from when she is undergoing treatment.

Chapter 5: Held In Memory

Squall and Rinoa had soon made their way away from Balamb garden and now were on their way somewhere…secluded. Rinoa wasn't actually allowed away from Garden for more than a couple of hours but both had agreed that they'd need to get away. Somewhere they could sit and relax without the worry of familiar faces of garden society. They did know a spot not to far away from Balamb just on the shore closest to the forest, but decided against it knowing that it wasn't the best place to go as it was the first place their friends would think to go in search. Plus Rinoa always thought Squall didn't quite like that spot too much, it was called Green Shore. Named by Zell as he'd ran into the waters in a strong march, then fell forward as strong waves hit against his knees rendering him weak.

Green Shore meant quite a lot to all of them, it was somewhere they all decided to visit on their weekend when Cid released the teens for a spot of 'Hero's of the World Reward'. Yes, that was what he had called it. And they weren't going to muck about and make fools of themselves on Garden grounds so they'd travelled the island one weekend. Rinoa had never played so many games of truth or dare in her lifetime. A fond memory of Kara almost choking on a bottle top while trying to be seductive towards one of Zell's friends that had come with them one time.

But Squall had suggested a quiet spot they knew in Balamb, a spot that over looked the whole of the small peaceful town. A place Squall had introduced to her not so long ago in fact. One particularly cold day they'd ventured here…something about the memory still extremely familiar to date for Rinoa…

(Flashback)

Zell shivered violently as he huddled up on a tall wall, his skin paling and his hot breath creating the mist that warmed part of his nose. Whose idea was this any way? Man he hated Balamb's winters, they were always so damn cold. But nooooo…let's go to Balamb guys! We can have some fun there! Yeah right, in the freezing cold when we have no money!

Squall screamed in his head for his body to stay still! He smirked lightly to himself as his hands tugged deeper into his armpits as he sat upon the high wall, looking over the snowy dark town. Why was he here any way? The girls had gone home. Why were he and Zell still sat around with a bored Rinoa. Oh yeah, because he wanted to spend time with her. In the bloody cold.

Squall smiled shyly as Rinoa walked around in a circle on her tippy toes, watching each foot with equal childish wonder. Hands tied in each other, resting at the bottom of her spine as her head continued to face downwards towards her steps. Her foggy breath blowing back in her face as she pressed through it…

"Wow, it's colder than we thought it was gonna be." Rinoa murmured as she raised her head to look up over the grey and dampened town below her.

The hustle, however hard to imagine in such a small town, of rush hour creating shouts and feet tempering through the streets. There was something about this cold air and frosty beauty that caught Rinoa's emotion; it felt familiar however odd that would fit into her characteristics. However much it made the goose bumps rise across her entire set of skin, and however much it made her muscles shudder, nose run and hair split (she'd read it in a magazine somewhere). It could only make her bubblier.

Suddenly she remembered something as she caught Squall rubbing his hands together, close to his mouth so he could blow his heat onto them at the same time. Squall had some weird disease thing that cut off his blood from his hands and feet when it was cold, she had ATTEMPTED to find somewhere with moderate heat earlier. Until she'd decided they should just sit somewhere and huddle together. It would have been a better idea to just go home with the girls.

She smiled blonde-ly (A/N: Sorry blondes) at Squall as she turned round to him, narrowing her eyes a little more. Creating that same look she'd used the first time she'd seen him across the dance hall. Yes, she remembered that moment very well. But maybe this wasn't the appropriate moment to be _held in memory_, especially not that memory that she would have to come back to and think very deeply about it…or just feel very deeply to understand…it…

"I'm sorry, I totally forgot. Ok, let's think." Rinoa paused for a moment than tried to think deeply, her attention ran out of concentration very quickly.

"Rinoa, don't push yourself or anything, we do realise it may hurt for you to think once and a while." Squall chuckled slyly.

_CHEEKY! Wait; did he just say something…jokey…? Still be angry with him!_

"You jerk!" She practically screamed.

Coming close to him in an instant, Rinoa pulled up her hands with her fingers separated almost resembling a cat's claw when about to pounce. Rinoa managed to cease her nails speed barely a centre metre away from Squall's face. He continued to smirk and flexed back a little in defence of Rinoa's mock attack. Almost immediately after the danger Squall went back to shivering and crouching forward almost huddling into a ball if it weren't for the fact his legs weren't brought up to his chest.

Zell decided to stand and walk to an opposite wall and watch from that angle, interested also in the fact that he wasn't the one to make the sarcastic quirk. He found himself a place almost perfectly opposite the two teens almost embracing and watched Rinoa's back, feeling a little awkward with the situation. Why, oh why had he decided to stay with the two snugly annoying in love teens? Oh yeah, because he didn't catch on when everyone else left them alone to 'do their thing'. Sighing to himself, he tightened himself up in attempt to keep in the heat and gripped his jacket he had thankfully taken with him.

Rinoa, being the pushy girl she was, began to push her way in-between Squall's already slightly opened legs than embraced the boy. The young sorceress wrapped her arms around his neck, almost sensing some discomfort in the situation as Squall stiffened ever so slightly. As a result to his reaction she also stiffened out of guilt mostly, than pulled back her hips from his thighs and smiled shyly, letting her hands slip down to his knees. Was it discomfort or just unfamiliarity? She really wasn't sure but she didn't want to upset Squall, or make him feel like he wasn't in a position to disagree with her motion. She didn't want to be the cause of whatever emotion had set up the defensive tensing any how…but maybe she should just push him? Rinoa however quickly flung the idea out of her head…

When she looked back up to his eyes, there was nothing, no message, no fear and definitely…no hunger, or need or request. She should just forget it.

"Can I see your hands please?" Rinoa asked sweetly, one delicate pale hand reaching out to his hands that were cupped together in front of his mouth.

He had no resistance to her hand as it gripped gently onto his fingers and pulled his right hand down. Her eyes following the black gloved hand that was latched on by her own, with her other hand she slowly slipped off the leather hand encasement. Rinoa took in a sharp breath, that quirked her mouth in a worried fashion as she saw the paper white skin on the Squall's fingers and spreading to his palm and backhand. Wow, the circulation had been cut off from more of the area than she'd first assumed it would…

"We have to get you somewhere warm, now." Rinoa almost panicked, trying to keep the girly nature flowing, failing.

Squall laughed lightly than replaced the glove onto his hand, then brought it back with his other hand and continued to breathe on them. Shaking his head lightly as he watched his girlfriend silently plead for him to not disagree with her, just this one time…

"Nah…" Squall mumbled behind his hands.

Suddenly his legs were tight against her side before she could protest and step back. Spluttering with shock more than anything she giggled and pulled forward embracing the young knight once again…

"But your hands will, like, fall off or something and that would just be bad!" Rinoa cried into his ear a little too loud for Squall's comfort.

Flinching Squall smiled lightly than continued on with the open debate on his hands and feet's future…

"Their not gonna fall off or anything Rinny." He joked, again.

Liking this new sarcastic side to Squall that had been growing ever more common recently, she giggled lightly in his ear and embraced him tighter.

"Yeah, they will and when they do I'LL be the one to feel GUILTY because I never got you to somewhere warm." Rinoa pulled back and looked him in the eye.

Really, he was tired of moving. Tired of not having just a few more moments that last with Rinoa in his arms, or just this close. Just breathing on him. Away from everything. Away from everyone…except for Zell who awkwardly turned his head to look in the other direction as a result of the two teens teasing argument.

He never knew it but Rinoa would be the one to hold his hand and try to find a place just as quick so they could sit, talk, hold hands and have the ability and the moment to feel it, to warm it. To have the time to just even…sit on each other sometimes. Just stay still together, just concentrate…on one another…

"They just turn white, nothing else." He smiled sweetly, raising his eye brows.

How was this possible for Squall to do this now? How had the past year or so changed the person he was, how had he changed so much…? Rinoa had to question. This wasn't the man she'd first met. She remembered that much.

"But what if-" Rinoa was cut off abruptly.

"Shush…" He calmed.

Some kind of over whelming emotion spilled through her and made her fall onto him again, wrapping her pale thin arms around him. She smiled greatly and breathed out as calmly as she could to obtain a patient beauty, but ended up giggling again quietly against his neck.

He shivered strongly against her chest; the guilt choked her once again. Cringing she scanned through the lists in her mind of café's, entertainment grounds, lounge rooms they could visit. Zell's "Ma" was out of town at the current moment and hadn't decided to trust Zell with the key. After all it was just a two day break, what would be the point? Any café they had attempted to sit down in had asked them whether they had ordered anything, then at that point they would have to admit no, and be throw out. Entertainment grounds needed the same thing, money, and they didn't have any at this current moment. She cursed herself for spending all her money on one night with her friends, pizza, and vodka …also a lot of chocolate. And although Squall had an endless supply of money, he'd left his card and change back in garden.

_There has to be SOMEWHERE!_ _I don't think I'm too warm so holding him tight to myself and breathing on him wouldn't do much…plus it would be totally embarrassing. Suppose I have to…try…_

Rinoa froze rigid as she turned her face to a position she could see his eyes, then took hold of his hands covered by hers and brought them up to her mouth…than stopped. Was she supposed to breathe on them now? Why did she feel so embarrassed suddenly?

In this moment, I remember the emotion well, partly because it was so intense…and partly because I still live with moments paralysed by the same foolish shyness. Or is it shyness? Or was I just being silly? Was it something about Squall that did it to me? I don't know if I hold back with any body else…so why did I hold back with him? Am I afraid? Is my subconscious still terrified? While me, the person talking, is bemused but still thrilled and happily surprised...sometimes…

This memory, I remember believing these moments as warnings…some kind of sign that whatever god didn't want me to make a big mistake…than I think somewhere down the line I realised that it was just I was absolutely petrified. Of what? Still to this day, I'm not quite sure. Hurt? I've questioned this many times now, but I don't believe it to be so. I care to little for myself now and then to really have been scared of being left beaten and naked. Although that was also a trait I thought only Squall had in this relationship.

Withdrawal.

There might have been a flash of something Rinoa found impossible to decipher in Squall's eyes, was it a wanting for her to give him this intimate gesture.

Am I afraid of intimacy?

Or did I just not want it?

_Do you want me to…?_

Did I need him to state his need with his own truthful words?

Rinoa watched him for a very long time, if there had been anything, ANY kind of sign that Squall would have given her there and then, she'd have blown for him. (A/N: Man I'm making this SOUND like something else). But there was nothing, and part of her needed to make sure he wanted her to do it, even if it was still the silent plead through this gaze, yet it wasn't there. She had seen the question though, and that was enough to drive her, seen as Squall wasn't too qualified in social skills, maybe he didn't even realise that she was asking him…

Laughing nervously she began. "Sorry, I was gonna try to breath on your hands so I'd warm them but I'd probably freak you out right?" She finished her sentence the same way she started.

Squall smiled looking smugly confused, some intense interest flickered in his expression but it was gone an instant later.

"You can if you want to." Squall replied just as unconfidently.

Rinoa smiled, it wasn't the reply she wanted but she'd known subconsciously it was the only reply she'd received. What exactly did those words mean any way? She was angry, this was just as bad as him turning his back on her and walking away for a moment alone, leaving her to make the decision with still a million concerns or so what felt like.

She pulled his hands closer to her mouth but didn't blow, just breathed. There was nothing, she felt stupid and at the same time tied. Something had ripped around her spine and gripped tight, fixing her to her current position. She couldn't move even if Squall had requested she were to blow onto his hands…

"I'm sorry." She muttered.

Rinoa pulled back immediately, still holding his hands in hers, but dropping the strength she had withheld to keep them high in line with her lips, eyes shining. Avoiding his gaze didn't arouse any suspicion of her up set, she'd done this too many times and had gotten too good at it for him to notice and if he had noticed he gave no clue as to the knowledge. Maybe he didn't know what to say, how to reach, how to express the concern, if there were any.

(Present)

Rinoa still questioned what exactly was holding her back from doing the things she wanted, part of the reason was because she didn't believe in Squall's need for the things she thought maybe he'd appreciate. There was nothing she made without feeling some disappointment, few things she expressed that left her feeling whole. All because Squall didn't respond. She didn't blame him, wasn't angry with him, just frustrated. Why couldn't he just follow through, why couldn't he just express it? Tell her what she was saying meant nothing, was stupid, anything! She didn't expect anything now, but that didn't leave her feeling content either.

Following Squall not too far behind as he climbed the steps up to the view she had just been reminiscing. They were large and Rinoa had to stretch her thighs awkwardly to try to keep up with his pace. The textures of the stones beneath her feet were gritty and dark grey, worn and dirty from age of living. The walls on either side of few differences but climbing high over her head, surrounded by wild greenery on its top surface.

They were on the first set of steps leading up to an area that was wide and surrounded by high apartment buildings. Balamb had changed very much in deed; few of the residents were now the Balamb people that were humble and peaceful. Industry had now taken what Deling City had progressed and nationalised any thing within its reach on earth. The development of which was quite amazing, especially considering its time period process of two years.

Now the two saw in view was the open view of a concrete garden with a splintered bench to one side and surrounding gravel walls. Both teens turned to the right to climb the next set of stairs which would lead to their final destination. These stairs however were much thinner and more difficult to gain a steady balance on, in fact, their length were about the size of Rinoa's foot forcing the girl on to her tippy toes and gripping the hand rail as she climbed awkwardly again, just behind Squall.

Her head tilted up for a moment to watch as the young knight stepped with his arms waving beside his hips, his expression blank. Envious of his grace she muttered something under her breath she'd never want him to actually HEAR and continued on up. Now she remembered why she hated this place so much.

Soon they reached the top which led on to the edge of a towering building, and a mildly littered spot hugged by walls, the walls that had been on either side of Rinoa a few moments before. The patio design had been dirtied with a few wrappers, moss in between the slabs and dead cigarette ends.

Rinoa and Squall usually sat on top of either the one planked bench that sat furthest away from the edge or on top of the wall that overlooked the first set of steps. Small bushes ran around and along the actual falling edge of the wall, in some attempt to protect anyone from falling off and…well dying. The view from that point could still see a tiny part of the street where the town was busying away at their night time lives, something Rinoa had always taken a look at from this height every time she visited, day or night.

The only thing was, the walls were still quite high, and Squall was quite a lot taller than Rinoa and had more strength in his arms to lift himself up onto the ledge. So naturally he approached the 'seat' then turned his back against the wall, placed his hands across the ledge and pushed up, comfortably seated not a moment later.

Rinoa pressed her lips together in puzzlement at her new dilemma, she could just see it now. First of all she wouldn't be able to press her back against it and try to push up with her hands behind her back, because her arms wouldn't stretch that far. And secondly, if she tried to mount it like she would do on a vault in a gymnasium she could end up going straight over it and dying, and if she survived, she'd than die from embarrassment.

What to do? Hmmm.

Whine.

"Squall I can't get up that." Rinoa looked up at him with her cutest face.

He looked at her funny for a moment than sympathised and smiled lightly, the tightest of the skin only made the tiredness under his eyes more visible. But Rinoa decided she wouldn't acknowledge it in this childish moment of hers and shoved her hands together behind her back and held them, while turning her hips and looking down her cheeks flushing a little.

"Want me to help you?" He questioned with some humour present in his voice.

"No!" She decided stubbornly and approached where she decided she would sit, close to Squall.

The wall must have been as high as her chest, and now she really didn't know what to do.

_Oh god, just because I have stupid genes that wouldn't let me GROW just a little bit more!_

She placed her hands on to the wall facing her than decided she would just push as hard as she could and try and swivel round somehow. Squall quickly gripped one of her wrists to attempt helping her.

And thus her first try began…resulting in falling back down and hurting her knees as she slid.

And thus her second try began…resulting in straining her arm muscles.

And thus her third try began…resulting in various curses.

And thus her fourth try began…resulting in Squall gripping onto her arms for dear life and pulling her up slowly.

Breathing out all the frustration she'd just gathered, Rinoa flicked back the now messy hair that hung in her face…

"Well, that wasn't too hard!" Rinoa exclaimed with some false pride.

Squall looked at her oddly again and smirked with an eye brow raised, questioning her as she smiled brightly…

"So then…" She looked down, feeling some nature approach to a subject they hadn't yet even bothered to avoid.

There was something screaming back into her for the next couple of moments, the carefree attitude to something quite serious. Something that she really should express how sad and bitter she was about it but she didn't, not now. She couldn't. It was happening and she had to accept it. And so did Squall. In such a small amount of time it was extremely hard to wrap your head around such a situation and truly, she hadn't, deep down, she hadn't embraced the fact. Or at least they just wouldn't sink in…

"How you feeling?" What a ridiculous question, and yet she always asked it.

She turned her head around to Squall and searched for every detail of his response, if he wouldn't tell her than she'd just have to try her best to figure it out herself however difficult.

Even though in reality the pause only lasted for a moment but Rinoa could see he was deciding to lie again. And in that long moment when unreadable questions and thoughts passed through Squall's mind Rinoa was able to catch on and ignore whatever he was about to tell her in reply to her 'casual' question.

"Fine." Was his response. "You?"

Her soul dampened further she had to continue to witness Squall's self destruction…

"…" She couldn't reply.

Kara sat in the back of the car watching all of the boring country side fly past in a blur, sighing she turned her attention to the driver for a couple of moments who was just as unexciting.

Rinoa's news hadn't affected her too much, sure it had upset her and she was dealing with it her own way, a way the two shared. Not dealing with it. Simple, both had an inability to have things sink in easy and this was no different, they couldn't deal with the problems if they hadn't hit home yet right?

Her heart was the only thing that was telling her to come back as soon as possible. For al the stupid arguments the two had had, all the girly times, all of the embarrassing moments. Rinoa was always a lot more clumsy then Kara but it had always worked out well, all the amusing moments had counted for a closer relationship.

It was strange how the group had just gelled together. All of them had become increasingly close very quickly, all had came to a point where they almost needed each other. Kara had become a part of that, however late she came on in. If anything she' become closer to Rinoa's friends that she had herself, partly because Rinoa spent all her free time with Squall.

She'd expected there to be a lot of questions in her head as to why Rinoa had to leave but she wasn't going to fight her, she knew how stubborn Rinoa could be and this wasn't something she sensed she should step in the way of. And Rinoa didn't even really sound bothered by it on the phone so why should she?

Kara shook her head slightly than looked down…that felt wrong…

"You know…I spent most of last night crying…" Rinoa watched her feet as she kicked them in separate times.

The young sorceress' hands locked and pressed under the weight of her thighs, her hair falling into her face to hide any shining eyes she felt weakened her. Why was she telling him this?

Suddenly she heard him chuckle, he'd laughed at a lot of things she'd said today. He sometimes did this when she told him serious things that created angst. Was it a nervous laugh? Was he confused? Did he think she was saying it because she thought it was funny? Or was it funny because she was saying it as if it didn't matter, so maybe she gave him the right to laugh.

"Hey!" She squealed undignified

Finally she raised her head and looked into Squall's face who only briefly watched her eyes close than avoided her gaze.

_Why won't you look at me?_

_Why did you…laugh?_

"It's not funny!" Her heart hung low, she laughed nervously, almost tearing up again. What exactly was so funny? "Fine! I'll never tell you anything again!" She mocked lightly, still searching Squall for an answer.

He smirked than laughed again lightly…

"Nothing's funny, sorry." He replied.

Rinoa wasn't so sure, what exactly did that mean? He enjoyed hearing about her suffer? No, it was something she didn't understand obviously. And she was going to leave it at that. Suppose they were both still learning different traits, maybe she was just making him feel awkward and the only way to erase it was to-no! She didn't want to think about it any more.

Her gaze intensified as she questioned him than slumped and continued knowing he wouldn't recognise the expression she was feeling and thinking…

Both enjoyed a little more time together, a thousand feelings and questions stirring inside them, all unvoiced. Soon it was very late and Garden would be closing soon and then they'd be locked out, and that wouldn't be quite as funny as they might joke.

Rinoa kissed Squall sweetly on the lips and departed from him with bitterness as he took his paces away from her dormitory. Today hadn't clarified too much but at least they'd tried to clear the air a bit…

Rinoa showered and dressed into her pyjamas. A towel still wrapped around her hair tightly, a chocolate pudding in hand as she watched a soap opera in the kitchen. Angelo sat close by her heel eating its own very late dinner, apparently he'd been whining all night and the seeD's next door had complained about it.

She looked down to her friend and ruffled its messy fur on its head and smiled weakly. Crouching up on the chair and than continuing to scoff her desert Rinoa continued to watch the t.v. with mild concentration. The show would usually grip her and bring her to tears at every unlikely situation but today she was just watching it as a favour to Kara so she could fill in the gaps for her friend.

The end credits rolled across the screen and she sighed chopping the last of the chocolate, sucking the spoon within an inch of its life. The dark haired girl gripped the remote and switched the television off with one hit of a button. She disregarded the container in hand by throwing it in the bin not to far away across the room than put the spoon on the counter in front of her.

_What a day…I suppose that now that everyone knows, anyone that matters I should just try and have fun…so why do I feel so exhausted?_

_Cuz you haven't slept enough lately and you won't stop bloody crying, not too mention you've travelled all over Garden today than went to Balamb with dearest, don't make out like the situation is making you feel exhausted. You know you can handle it so don't try to play weak girl. Or maybe you are, just a little weak girl…_

_Fucking Adel…_

_Fucking Ultimecia…_

_Go away!_

_I'm part of you; I just see you as you are. Don't try to avoid the facts. You are a pathetic being…_

Rinoa frowned deeply, and stared down at the counter where the spoon lay soon to be distracted by Angelo's growls. Her eyes flickered shut for a moment until she acknowledged him and looked down to his protective stance. She smiled sweetly than looked confused, how could Angelo sense something like…?

"It's ok!" Rinoa laughed lightly and patted the dogs head.

_Right…?_

Rinoa picked herself up from the seat and began to walk towards her bedroom where she hit the keys on her computers keyboard gently. The screen that was once black flickered to life to display her desk top.

"I'll just check my mail and than we'll go to bed ok?" She smiled again, the hollowness present again as she spoke.

Her head turned to the dog whose eyes looked extremely sad and unconvinced. Angelo just laid down on the floor and whined for a couple of seconds. She watched her companion, her eye brows slowly knitting.

_You're a smart dog ain't ya…?_

She opened up a programme, typed a couple of things in different bars and waited for its response, slowly processing. The young sorceress tapped her fingers impatiently across the desk and leant back in her chair slightly; eyes flickered to the ceiling as she continued to wait. The colour of the screen changed and this caught Rinoa's attention, her eyes drawn back.

It opened up her email to reveal 1 new message. She looked towards the sender moments later her breath catching in her mouth…

"Squall…" She murmured.

Slowly but surely she clicked for it to be open, her heart beating suddenly so very strong and loudly. Some anxious and desperate cry unsteadied her breathing as the process quickened. Her eyes frowning in concentration as the page loaded up, cold sweats took to her body. The text finally appeared on screen.

Seconds later Rinoa felt her heart rip just that little bit more, the weight of it heavy in her chest. The veins throbbing, shaking her body ever so slightly. Her breath caught once again. Chocolate eyes shimmering with tears as she fell back in her seat, shaking her head and gripping it with her hands…

_Are you happy now? You made him hurt. You made him cry…you wanted him to cry right? You wanted all of them to hurt._

_Shut up, shut up!_

Her eyes traced up to the screen again as she gulped loudly allowing the tears to spill down her pale cheeks…

'You know when you told me you cried last night because you were leaving and I laughed, well I shouldn't have because so did I. The rest of the night you told me I just felt numb until I laid down in bed and just cried so hard because I kept thinking that I was gonna lose you. I don't wanna break up when you leave. K? I'm sorry. I love you so much.'

Author's Note: There ya go. Another chapter completed. Another dose of release and another dose of heart strain. Thanks any one reading. Sorry I'm taking so long with the chapters as usual.


	7. Chapter 6: Broken

Disclaimer: I don't OWN any of the characters so please don't be really mean and sue me. I don't own any of the songs used during this long fanfiction so there ya go, satisfied? (In this case, I don't own Seether or Amy Lee or Broken).

Author's Note: Some of the further chapters are gonna be really really short and will only consist of a song lyrics and maybe a few sentences. The songs are supposed to be from Squall's POV ok? I know it seems a really slack way to complete chapters but it's really all I can do for Squall. Plus every time I enter lyrics at the same time I'll always up date the next chapter as something lengthy, ok?

Key: _Italics:_ The song lyrics and Squall's thoughts (yes Squall spontaneously sings words from songs he relates to, do you know what I mean?)

Chapter 6: Broken

The unruly brown locks shadowed his eyes in the already dim bedroom, it was already late but the commander had no intention in sleeping any time soon…

_I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh_

_I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away_

_I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well_

_I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away_

Still sat at his computer desk, his arms limp laid across the keyboard as he leaned over it, motionless with the words in his head…

_Cause I'm broken when I'm open_

_And I don't feel like I am strong enough_

_Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome_

_And I don't feel light when you're gone away_

He took a slow shivery breathe, having to remember to take in the oxygen he released the received air with a heavy sigh…

_The worst is over now and we can breathe again_

_I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away_

_There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight_

_I wanna hold you high and steal your pain_

In the darkness he was lost in this lonely admittance…

_Cause I'm broken when I'm open _

_And I don't feel like I am strong enough_

_Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome_

_And I don't feel right when you're gone away_

Was it really impossible to reach…?

_Cause I'm broken when I'm open_

_And I don't feel like I am strong enough_

_Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome_

_And I don't feel light when you're gone away_

He'd find a way somehow…


	8. Chapter 7: A Hot Chocolate and a Cuddle?

Disclaimer: How about you just don't try to sue me and it just makes it easier cuz then I don't have to write long disclaimers, k?

Author's Note: Well here's a lengthy chapter, not sure if it's long enough but here goes any way. Hope whoever is reading likes it, and to somebody…sorry if this is exposing considering our new level if you like…

Chapter 7:

Several days later…

Rinoa stood beside Edea witnessing Cid becoming increasingly more and more frustrated as the Esthar officials repeated over and over what they wanted the contract to bind to. There was a crowd of professionals all in the headmaster's small office and although this whole legal document draft was concerning Rinoa's future she wasn't any one to be taken account of during its processing. She was simply to stand there and shut up. The young sorceress could see Cid was doing all he could for her but Esthar and their lawyers had a very strong authority over garden and really by disagreeing with anything they said was very shaky grounds.

Rinoa didn't understand half the things they were saying with all the complicated language that was being used, but everybody looked severally serious. All concentrating hard on what was happening at the front of the room where Cid and an Esthar officer were reading out what had already been written. Every moment it seemed there was something that needed to be changed due to some slight problem with the wording.

Rinoa had allowed Edea to come into the meeting unaware of what she was suppose to expect and very scared by all the visits that had arrived in the recent days. Edea had accepted graciously, and occasionally squeezed the young woman's arm as a reassurance. Somehow the small gesture did exactly what the ex-sorceress had set out to do and the young rebel couldn't have been more grateful.

Squall hadn't come today; he had…business to attend to. Rinoa hadn't pushed that further, she knew when to back off and why exactly would she want him to come to something like this which to her was just so vicious. She hated something so official, and so very greedy in a way.

If she had the intelligence she should have been sat exactly where Cid was now, it was unfair to drag him into this awkward situation. Maybe she should just agree to whatever they proposed. After all, what could make the current situation any worse exactly? She began to wonder in this room full of 'professionals' and blank expressions that if she threw her head back and screamed, arms outstretched with clutched fists whether anyone would actually turn their head and question why? It was clear she was distressed about this and no one gave a damn. And why would they? This was just another example of how selfish she was. Right?

The funny thing about the situation was that every now and again after they had defeated Ultimecia, the question or the option would arise for her by several officials coming through garden or by emails for her to take this option. Every time she'd refused, every time she'd felt it her own decision but now when it was pushed upon her and she didn't realised her duty, she felt horridly guilty about her ignorance to her fate.

Her dark brown eyes wondered the room for a moment in mild interest, she sighed silently to herself. Cid raised his tone again to the man stood beside him and Rinoa could only cringe. She bit her lip than looked down slightly, her hair smoothing falling into her eye sight, her nails tucked into her palms as she clenched…

"We thank you for your cooperation sorceress. And appreciate how hard this must be, we look forward to visiting to retrieve you in 3 months time." A man with short spiky black hair smiled, outstretching his hand to shake hers.

Rinoa considered this for a moment, not once taking her gaze from his light shallow blue eyes. Than slowly but cautiously outstretched and took his hand in hers and shook as she'd presumed he'd wanted. It was a very bitter and forced smile, but just as slowly as the gesture she just played, it appeared across her features. It was a very dangerous thing to do to look a sorceress in the eyes deeply when every fibre of her inside twisting up in anger.

Soon the middle aged Esthar official took back his hand and nodded followed by his turn to walk away, carrying his step with some kind of self regard. Oh yes, Rinoa could see how proud of himself he was. Walking tall with a spring. She continued to watch his back and contemplated shooting just one icy spike into his back, just lodging it in-between his shoulder blades.

Before she even realised what she was doing her arm began to outstretch, all her hairs stood on end on her arms and neck, her eyes widened slightly and the tips of her finger spread apart. It was only when she felt the power rush through her veins that she realised exactly what she was doing. In shock and horror, she gripped the outstretched arm with her other but had difficulty in pulling it back down to her hip.

Her eye brows narrowed as she struggled to control her arm, the man soon entered the elevator and was out of sight. Spluttering in confusion she let go of her arm and of her own mild self control and watched as the familiar spike that had once embedded into Squall emerge from her outstretched right arm again than cut through into the elevator doors. Electrical sparks flying everywhere she screamed as she faded back to her old self.

_Fuck…_

Gasping she felt her once out of control arm fall limp by her side as she clutched her eyes shut, still spluttering in fear. Rinoa heard foot steps from behind her and found her new dilemma, Cid and Edea had to witness what the young sorceress had just done. Or was it her? This was taking over her, whatever it was, those voices. And she couldn't escape this situation, considering she'd just destroyed her only real way out; jumping out the window would cause her death.

Slowly and unsurely she turned to see Edea's usually calm face replaced with fresh anxiety and Cid's with the same concern, they each in turn looked at Rinoa standing a few metres from the elevator, with a petrified and exhausted expression, than towards the crackling elevator doors where the spike began to fade…

Rinoa trembled awkwardly back in her steps towards her dormitory in embarrassment, her head hung low as eyes in interest took concern in her odd facial expression…

_Don't look at me…_

What she didn't realise was only half the people she thought were watching were actually taking their gaze in her direction. Was it a growing paranoia or was she simply just vane? Neither mattered for the moment while she paced down the corridor trying to escape or get as far away from the situation as she could.

After the little incident a couple of hours ago, they'd had to get mechanics to release the mostly destroyed doors and Rinoa was quick to run from the lectures she'd of been sure to receive if she'd stayed put. Now the elevator in the principles office didn't have doors any, they'd had to have been removed until they could find replacements probably from FH.

Rinoa slammed her dormitory door as hard as she could, flicking her arm to hit it as hard as she could she grunted at the slight discomfort it caused the limb. The door clicked closed with an ungrateful bang, than there was a strange ping, Rinoa didn't even want to know what that is and didn't get the chance to question further.

Her brown hazy eyes caught sight of a coffee haired beauty sat at on one of the stoles at the dining table, stroking the excited Angelo laughing lightly to herself. Kara was back.

Kara didn't even look up, she'd witness Rinoa lose it plenty of times before and for all she knew this could just be one of her silly misunderstandings with Squall or the fact that she tried to get free food by leaning over the counter at a shop and it didn't really work the way she'd planned. Her pale gooey lip gloss spread quietly as she fleshed her pearly teeth, continuing to tickle the dog behind its ears excitably.

"Kara?" Rinoa blurted in shock, her eyes wide and red. She was slightly embarrassed from her entrance.

"Heya." Kara finally looked up; her eyes still dark with the layers of mascara and eye liner. Her eye brows thin but straight and perfect.

Kara was sporting a low cut pale purple shirt that only came half way down her arms, patching with pale denim jeans that fitted her legs tightly showing off the sexy shape that the young woman possessed to flaunt. Her cerulean eyes stung Rinoa's soul but somehow they managed to gaze at one another.

"Why you so pissed than?" Kara continued, letting go of Angelo so that the dog could obsess its owner instead.

Angelo sure enough raced over to Rinoa who bent her knees and sat on her shins to attend the dogs need, affection. It's fluffy blonde fur slipped through Rinoa's fingers easily as she scratched across the companion playfully with the same smiling expression Kara had once worn while watching the dogs eyes, to show Angelo how happy she was to see it.

"Nothing, just fucked up a bit earlier that's all." Rinoa would use the same foul language she would use.

Both had lived through a rough area with rebels and terrorists, both had grew up with the same sort of background. Both experiencing the pressure of trying to be attractive girls, Kara more so than Rinoa. Rinoa hadn't lived with it her whole life, she'd lived with her parents, than after her mother died she'd joined Kara. But Kara had lived this way her whole life. Caking her face with make up and flaunting her body through streets. The only reason Rinoa could give for the pleasure Kara took in breaking boys heart was that she had been hurt before, and that was what had happened but…she'd experienced the same thing. Why wasn't she bitter? Squall?

"Nothing too bad I hope." Kara smirked.

Suddenly there was a pound on the door and a familiar squeaky voice cried out through the dormitory. Selphie.

"Let up! Let up!" Selphie shouted.

Rinoa turned her head to the door and shouted angrily…

"It's open, damn it!"

Kara frowned briefly than looked down to the kneeling sorceress, witnessing her continuing scowl. Rinoa didn't usually get that stressed out with Selphie, what was that anger all about? It was forgotten soon enough any way, however shocking the change in character was for her best friend.

The door burst open with what seemed like difficulty, probably due to whatever jamming Rinoa caused by slamming it so hard. Selphie, Quistas and Xu entered all with happy content smiles on their faces. Each in turn raced over to Kara and gave her a tight hug as Rinoa just watched from the back. For the first time, she didn't feel part of this little close group of friends. All she kept remembering was their reactions. Some sort of angry rejection bubbled inside of her as she watched them all practically drown in Kara's presence, almost envious…

"So you guys missed me!" Kara teased with a sly smile.

They all giggled among each other until Xu spoke…

"Cha! Don't get too far up yourself girl." Her dark black hair straightened as normal, lying limply across her shoulders as her sparkling blue eyes glanced to the floor. She was still wearing the seeD uniform, even in her leisure time.

"Hey who wants drinks?" Rinoa spoke loudly trying to clear her head of the heavy thoughts that were pushing their way through and stinging painfully in her eyes.

She left Angelo to sit there and lap up all the rest of the attention he'd gain by joining the other girls in the centre of the small dormitory. The young sorceress paced round to the fridge and began reading out the names of a few…

"Sure." Quistas called. "Coke'll do."

"You got any milkshake?" Selphie asked innocently enough.

Rinoa raised an eye brow as she turned round to the girl, why the hell would she stock the stuff. She drank too much of it when she went out with her, but she could make it. Or something slightly similar to the concoction of sugar and milk and other added colourings…

"Sure I'll whip some stuff in the blender." Rinoa waited for the rest of the requests but she got none, a few 'no thanks'.

Rinoa first poured the coke and handed it over to the instructor leant across the counter on the other side listening to some story that Kara was telling. Than took out the blender, a machine she hated greatly, sometimes it just DECIDED to spill everything everywhere, it wasn't that SHE'D forgotten to put the top on or anything it was it's fault, of course!

Replacing the coke to its place in the fridge she reached up for the freezer handle, she tugged at it harshly than quickly gripped the strawberry ice cream from the top shelf and dropped it on the counter. Just as impatiently she shut the door than took out of the milk from the fridge and closed the cooling machine.

She peeled off the top of the ice cream and gripped a scooping spoon that was laid in a pot a little down the bench with other kitchen utensils, and with every bit of strength she possessed ripped the frozen contents from the box, with great difficulty. After a short while she finally slapped a scoop of thick strawberry ice cream into the blender and after another while longer she had about three scoops and that was good enough for her.

As she relaxed her body she realised how tensed every muscle has been, than felt the pain in her gums and teeth from where they had been gritting deep into one another. Frustrated she spilled far too much milk into the plastic container and raised her other hand to hit the on switch. But this time she'd learnt, she placed the milk back after covering the top again, than hit the cover on the blender and switched on…

_To stand in the background…_

"You so didn't!" Selphie cried in shock and excitement.

"I shook his hand the next thing I knew he was on his knees begging for me so I gave him it." A cruel and flirtatious smirk crossed her lips as her eyes thinned.

Some intense desire gripped Rinoa to suddenly listen to whatever dirty story Kara was about to tell, her eyes glanced up towards her best friends pretty mascara loaded fluttering eyes and watched for a little while. Fighting the pathetic desire she turned her head away and pulled from her own little spot to go get some dinner, she'd just order a pizza from the cafeteria. Pick up a bottle of vodka on the way; she'd be alright with that little present in arms length. Time to pay an old friend a visit, Garden didn't want anything to do with alcohol and was heavily banned among students, but she wasn't a student.

"Gonna grab a pizza, be back soon." Rinoa mumbled as she left the girly scenario behind as they all outstretched around the room, grabbing comfy places to listen intently.

"Sure hunni." Someone replied, but Rinoa didn't even recognise who, she wasn't even sure if deep down she'd wanted for someone to just realise she was going and to just reply to her, to the extent that her subconscious would create such a voice.

Rinoa knocked five times against the broken hinged door, and waited patiently for a familiar face to appear behind the oak board that had been a door be withdrawn from where it once rested against the frame. Rinoa looked around at where the door used to be attached to the wall than looked to the ebony haired boy smirk nervously and than shake his head as a welcome for her to step inside.

Once she took the steps inside the room he pushed back the door with all his strength and breathed deeply once the door was back in comfortable balance against the chipped frame.

Rinoa raised an eye brow than quirked…

"Door management problems Ice?"

Ice had short spiky hair and a tattoo across his temple of a symbol from an old GF religion of some kind, apparently his family created the facial obligation as a child and he was soon to replace the faded areas of the body art filled in. Piercing dark eyes, and a thick bridged nose, a pierced hoop right ear and a buff body, Ice wasn't a bad looking guy.

"Got busted yesterday and I was out of it, took too many Z's, so Garden security officers knocked the door down. I have to be out of here by the end of the week, parents coming to get me. Cid said I could stay cuz I'm banned from Balamb as well." There was a small trace of pride left lingering in the way he looked at her as he retold his current situation.

"Damn." Rinoa seemed shocked. "Someone dob you or just stupid enough to get caught?"

"Cid wouldn't name names but someone told them. Then they searched the place, you should of seen them when they found all the alcohol, THEN the pills, oh, that was funny." He laughed hard to himself, until he gripped his stomach.

Rinoa stood back and watched in sort of mock amusement in awe of how idiotic the boy was, he was lucky he was still on the grounds, REALLY LUCKY. She gulped than rolled her eyes and folded her eyes impatiently.

"So you got nothing." Rinoa sighed.

"Nothing sweetie." He managed to breath, beginning to stand straight again. "They took it all away, said it would be 'disposed' of. Waste if you ask me."

"So what are you going to do now?" Rinoa queried, her voice expressing some sort of concern for the idiot.

"Oh I don't know, deal somewhere else I spose. Parents won't keep me, being a disappointment and all."

"You're still hot in Timber though, they won't take you any where near there." Rinoa shook her head impatiently.

"I'll be cool, it's our home ya know. That's why I left. You left. Disappeared without a trace, no one but those two idiots you hanged with knew where. Otherwise I would have told my parents to fuck off when they started flashing the cash at Cid." He suddenly seemed nonchalant a sudden change from his hysterical state a moment earlier.

"Yeah, I said I was sorry. Never thought I'd find you here though." She giggled. "Any way, I gotta go, Got mates round and thought I could pick up some stuff but ah well."

"I'm hurt, there I was thinking you came to see me!" Ice replied more than flirtatiously.

"Never Ice, so shut up." She giggled back as she walked back towards the broken door.

"I'm hurt Rinny, all those times we used to play in that park, all the time you told me how cute I was." He pushed cautiously.

"Shut up Ice." Rinoa became slightly angered, dwelling on any piece of the past was not something Rinoa was in the mood to do the same.

"You'll come and see me before I leave won't ya?" He became very serious.

"Why don't you come see me?" Rinoa turned her back to the door and looked him in the eye. "My birthday ya know!" She giggled playfully.

"I know it's sometime this month." He replied.

Rinoa sighed heavily than turned and flipped the door sideward into Ice and walked out, listening to his shocked gasp as he clutched the side of the door as it smacked into him and his confused fast breaths afterwards.

The night settled into its peaceful beauty and everyone but Rinoa stayed up in the living room watching old soppy movies. Unfortunately for Rinoa she couldn't quite wrap her head around the new responsibility, did anyone expect her to? Did they even realise the importance? Why didn't any one give a fuck? She laid their staring vacantly into the darkness of her bedroom, hearing the occasional giggle escape from the living room. Quivering at the most recent of the squeals she turned over to face the wall next to her bed and crawled up tighter into a ball…maybe she was just going through depression or something…whatever the reason for the strong hating and hurting emotion she wouldn't ignore the tears that exploded from her eyes through whimpers of fear.

Another explosion of laughter scratched against Rinoa's goosepimply skin, as she clutched even tighter.

_Even god damn crying…_

The weakness that rippled through her entire body rendered all of her muscles suddenly limp and her once low horse gasps for air through streaking tears turned into low slowed hushed breaths.

_You want that to make me feel low?_

_I don't want to be connected with someone who cries all the time about nothing…your not a sorceress…not at all…_

_God, your right…I'm nothing like any of the sorceresses…_

Rinoa marvelled at this point for a few moments and smirked in the veil of darkness…

_I'm not like any of you sorceresses…_

_…_

_…_

_That's great…_

_What?_

Rinoa sat up in the blackness and continued to smile…

_I wanna play the rest of my times as the sorceress Rinoa…cuz I'm not like you guys…and I'm not Rinoa Heartily any more either…_

_What?_

The door creaked open a dozy looking Rinoa clutched her eyes to protect them from the light that beamed sharply until they stung her eyes and made them water. The girls all each in turn peeked a glance at her and smiled equally as cutely. She looked round at each them in their pyjamas, all with hot chocolate in hand, a bag of marshmallows in-between the circle of bean bags around the small television laid on the floor.

"Mind if I join ya?" Rinoa smiled brightly, her eyes shining in the light through her slightly closed eye lids.

Kara face widened into a grin as she excitedly turned round to see Rinoa and nodded her head frantically. Selphie immediately jumped up from her seat and dived over the kitchen counter towards the kettle to make another hot chocolate. Kara moved a long her bean bag creating room for Rinoa to cuddle up close to her. Rinoa quickly sat beside her and was taken into open arms…

Author's Note: Sorry this is sorta short, I suck I know, a lot of school work and screwy writers block but I hope this chapter was good for you guys, tell me if it wasn't, it's sorta a boring chapter I know!


	9. Chapter 8: The 19th Of April

Disclaimer: How about you just don't try to sue me and it just makes it easier cuz then I don't have to write long disclaimers, k? Oh yeah and the Cure's lyrics don't believe to me, but god damn listen to anything by the cure, they AMAZING!

Author's Note:

Chapter 8:

The phone rang violently and Rinoa groaned in aggravation…

_God I don't wanna wake up is that ok…?_

She turned and gripped the phone, not so vividly she found the green button with her gaze and punched it with a finger and relaxed back into the covers of her bed once again. Than in an unsure, groaning voice spoke…

"Hello?" The displeasure apparent in her tone.

"Hello, Rinny." It was Edea, sweet and calm as usual.

Rinoa looked over her watch on her desk. 7:00? Why was she calling so early? Rinoa didn't have classes or anything. And what was with Edea being so informal suddenly? It didn't sound quite smooth, in fact awkward. Was Edea trying to connect on a teenage level using nicknames?

"Hi, Matron." Rinoa yawned. "What's going on?"

"I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday!" The smile audible down the phone.

This took a little while to register. She had been raving about her birthday about a week ago, she wouldn't deny she had thought about it over the past week but not quite as concentrated on the 'celebration'. Instead she had bragged continuously to her friends about the significance of the date, her and Squall's anniversary! Essentially, her birthday was no big deal. Her and Squall's anniversary however WAS a big deal, and she'd made a point of writing it in just about everyone's diary. But Edea didn't congratulate her on this. Only her birthday.

"Oh, thanks Matron!" Rinoa beamed in reply.

The young sorceress was happy that Matron had remembered the date and given up the time to call her and say happy birthday…but in the morning? Matron was sort of a mother figure now, even though Rinoa was old enough to not even consider trying for someone to take that place that's what Matron felt like. Rinoa would always remember being woken up by her own mother, Julia, early in the morning so that they could be excited together from then on and open presents and so forth. So maybe Matron felt like a parent, maybe she felt the need to wake up Rinoa and excite her about this 'special' day. Thinking about it gave Rinoa a buzz.

"I know you probably have a million and one things to attend to my child so I will leave you with this. But I hope with all my heart you have an enjoyable day! You've grown up a lot since I first met you. I am so proud." Matron continued to parent.

Those were the words Rinoa's mother should have been saying, those are the words Julia should be speaking right next to Rinoa right now, hugging her tightly. However the depressing the insight to the speech was, Rinoa still found some pleasure in the fact Matron took Rinoa under her as one of her children. Before she'd been in an awkward position, being the only one except Kara and Xu to have not been at the orphanage made her feel not welcome, or not one of the group. These statements made her feel more like a part of them. Being the insecure person she was, sometimes these moments were exactly what she needed.

"Thanks Matron. I appreciate it. I'll come and see you at some point, don't worry, I've got the time." Rinoa took a deep breath and cuddled into her thick duvet covers and closed her eyes, still in the process of waking up.

"Try not to get angry. I know why you left as soon as the option became available yesterday." Matron sounded concerned but also tried to be stern, Matron being the caring and passive person she naturally was made her not very good at this. Neither was she good at the teenage levelling or the nick names, as she'd shown at the beginning of the conversation.

"Yeah." She'd nervously laughed. "Sorry about that…I was so embarrassed." Rinoa wouldn't attempt any further to make what had happened more light, she was still worried about it. She'd been so confused when the lack of control took place, still unsure of what part of her exactly took over and did such a thing.

Rinoa bounced from her bedroom still in her bunny pyjamas singing to herself some unrecognisable tune to sight Kara in her seeD uniform sat at the table chomping on some cereal that didn't look quite as enjoyable as Rinoa thought while she wondered what she could eat.

"Good morning!" The ebony haired sorceress beamed, joyfully, skipping around the room.

Kara's dark ringed eyes, misted with orange foundation glared at the bouncy room mate as she continued to dance about as she pleased, when suddenly she remembered why she was so bouncy. Her perfect thin coffee eye brows raised along with her lips that curled into a smile…

"Hey, happy birthday." Kara giggled.

"Hey, dude!" Rinoa stopped on the spot and pointed at her. "It's not just my birthday!" She placed her hands on her hips and watched as a clueless Kara watched from the table.

"Erm…oh god, Happy anniversary! One year, jesus, Rin!" Kara hysterically laughed to herself.

"What's that meant to mean? And didn't I say for you to buy me a card!" Rinoa yelled back, despite the early time of morning, suddenly she was so excited.

"Oh yeah, spose I forgot." Kara shrugged. "What ya doing today?"

"Well right now I'm gonna go get pancakes and chocolate sauce from the cafeteria and take my time eating it, then I'm gonna wander about and be bored until Squall gets off work and then I'll bombard him with KISSES! YAY!" She screamed as she began to run around the room again.

Kara rolled her eyes as she finished eating the remains of her oat cereal which was only possible through the constant reminder 'It wouldn't pile on the pounds.' She stood from her seat than made her way round to the sink and began to wash the dish carelessly…

"Do you mind if I borrow your mascara today?" Kara turned round to Rinoa who froze slowly, beginning to breath heavily through the excitement and exercise.

"Erm, sure, but don't you have like 3 kinds of-" Rinoa was cut off.

"Yeah well ya know, I just feel like using some new stuff you know and I hear from Quistas you have an expensive one." Kara nervously continued to mumble quickly, keeping her eyes well and truly away from Rinoa's.

Rinoa tried to however grip her gaze, she could tell when Kara was lying about something and it was very odd to lie about having mascara! But Rinoa didn't want to press the subject and just shrugged her shoulders, her eye brows quirking in confusion.

"Go for it. It's in my make up bag under my bed." Rinoa smirked. "Can I borrow your new purple top today then?"

Kara's nervousness wearing off, she smiled widely, with a little laugh and nodded her head.

"COOL!" Rinoa beamed, feeling so much happier than she had in what felt like a very long time. "I'll go get it."

Rinoa than waltz off, the second Rinoa was inside Kara's bedroom and the door was slightly closed Kara dashed into the under sink cupboard and gripped several things than sprinted into Rinoa's room. A few moments later she arose from the room and began to make her way towards the door, gripping her gloves on the way out…

"Any way, I'm going now. I'll see ya later!" Kara yelled behind her.

Rinoa continued to look furiously through the babes clothing when her ears pricked up while listening to what Kara had to say, followed by the sound of a slamming door before she even got a chance to reply. Pondering over the suspicious behaviour of her peer momentarily she finally spotted the object she had searched for. Even without anyone in, she still vocally celebrated the fact she'd found the top than danced into her bedroom stupidly.

Upon her bed were several bags of marshmallows (one of Rinoa's favourite sweets), with a card signed Kara. Rinoa smiled lightly than moved forward to hold the card in realisation…

Slipping on her head phones Rinoa began to dance around the room again, the sound pumping through and the rhythm in her body creating the motions. The guitar strips plucked and the vibration of the sound comforted her satisfaction for the loud sound. Miming to herself, she began on her way to the cafeteria. The electric sounds pulsed and the groans of the singer continued to fuel the never ending smile that stretched her cheek muscles to the max.

Rinoa should have learned her lesson a thousand times before, putting ear phones on with amazing sounds blasting through will always fill you with the impulsive desire to sing out loud, without any knowledge of what you actually sound like. How many times had she sang out 'Reason' in her bedroom with the head phones and how many times had all of her friends heard her form the other end of the corridor and cracked up in fits of laughter.

She stepped out the door bopping her little ebony haired head and closed her eyes for a moment, than turned round to lock the door and the singing began…

i don't care if monday's blue

tuesday's grey and wednesday too

thursday i don't care about you

it's friday i'm in love

By now she was moving sideways with her shoulders, back and forth still smiling to herself. Blindly she turned round and painfully hit the wrong notes still confidently bouncing down the corridor towards the cafeteria, passing opening dormitories with students watching with smirks.

monday you can fall apart

tuesday wednesday break my heart

thursday doesn't even start

it's friday i'm in love

saturday wait

and sunday always comes too late

but friday never hesitate...

The worst part was while in the main corridor with all the chambers leading to every area of garden where Zell and Irvine watched from the elevator as a pale beauty skipped by screeching words with about thirty or so seeD members following behind laughing in hysterics. They both looked at each other in shock, Zell rubbing his forehead in frustration and slight embarrassment for the girl.

i don't care if monday's black

tuesday wednesday heart attack

thursday never looking back

it's friday i'm in love

All the low feeling had climaxed into such a positive feeling, however much at the back of her mind she knew the higher to climb the further you fall, she was too optimistic with Robert Smith's voice drilling into her skull.

monday you can hold your head

tuesday wednesday stay in bed

or thursday watch the walls instead

it's friday i'm in love

saturday wait

and sunday always comes too late

but friday never hesitate...

Finally she made it to the cafeteria where she let the ear plunks continue to produce the beautiful beats play into open air across her collar bones as she took them from her ears and dropped them. The students had all disappeared in fear of what she might have done if she'd known how hysterical they had thought her singing would be if caught following her.

dressed up to the eyes

it's a wonderful surprise

to see your shoes and your spirits rise

throwing out your frown

and just smiling at the sound

and as sleek as a shriek

spinning round and round

always take a big bite

it's such a gorgeous sight

to see you in the middle of the night

you can never get enough

enough of this stuff

it's friday

i'm in love

"6 pancakes, LOT'S of chocolate sauce and banana cuts PLEASE!" Rinoa giggled at the counter as the track finished, still moving about, unable to keep still.

The lady behind the counter with her overalls smiled kindly and wrote down the order…

"Of course birthday girl." Her voice strong and low, without even asking for the gil she turned away and began to prepare the food.

Rinoa in slight confusion almost said something, inhaled to ask the question but suddenly heard someone call her name. Quickly, she turned and found Xu, Selphie and Quistas sat at a table drinking coffee, well Selphie had a strawberry milkshake in hand actually. Rinoa smiled as a greeting than turned back to the counter and yelled lightly…

"Thank you!"

Bouncing over to the table she watched to see the cafeteria lady turn her head from the preparation table and smile just as warmly as before to acknowledge what Rinoa had said…

"Hey guys!" Rinoa said cutely, taking a seat beside Selphie and Xu.

Quistas and Rinoa looked at each other briefly, Rinoa tried to keep the look locked but Quistas turned her focus away with a little embarrassment pathetically covered up with disinterest. Rinoa frowned slightly, ever since they had spoken in the library things had been different and the young sorceress wouldn't dare bring up the subject of the hurt Quistas had portrayed. And the subject posed ignored again for at least another session together.

"Hey, happy birthday!" Selphie beamed excitedly, knowing exactly what was in store for Rinoa. Finding it horribly difficult to keep the knowledge inside she instead burst out into laughter and covered her face with her hands.

Each girl watched her in surprise for a moment, but these crazy moments were nothing out of the ordinary for Selphie and so they moved on fairly quickly from it…

"Yeah, happy birthday Rin!" Xu and Quistas spook quickly afterwards to try to recover from their short moment of forgetting the date.

"Thanks, ya know what date-" Rinoa was again cut off. Twice in the same morning, wasn't she the one always cutting people off rudely?

"Happy anniversary Rinoa!" A voice called from behind her.

Quickly she turned round to see a girl she didn't know too well, but a good friend none of the less. Her name was Amber, a friend of Selphie's introduced to Rinoa, from then they'd talked a lot about boyfriends and other girly aspects of their lives. But this was quite a surprise for Rinoa.

The dark sorceresses eyes traced up the seeD uniform clad woman to focus on her ivy green eyes gazing deeply at Rinoa, her skin already crinkling around her brows. Amber was outstretching her arms, at first Rinoa thought the blonde sweetie was wanting a hug until she looked down to see a purple envelop.

"Thanks Amber!" Rinoa, still in shock, nervously laughed.

"It's just a stupid card but I thought ya know, it means something to you ya know." Amber smiled shyly, letting her short straight blonde her fall in front of her burning cheeks. Usually she was an out going girl who wouldn't let very much embarrass her.

Quistas and Xu exchanged looks behind Rinoa's back, but Selphie was too intrigued with the concept that someone actually bought Squall and Rinoa a card, why the hell didn't she?

Rinoa stood up very slowly and took the card directed towards her. The paper felt velvety in her hands, and in scruffy writing read their names 'Rinny + Squall'. If it wouldn't have been for the fact that she'd feel stupid afterwards Rinoa would have cried her eyes out right on that spot in Amber's arms.

"Thank you so much Amber! You've got no idea!" Rinoa quickly took the girl into an embrace and they tightly hugged for a few moments.

Once both were apart Amber returned to her normal self, the card was out of her hands now, she wouldn't have to think about the moment she'd give the thing away any more.

"Any way, chick-a-del, I gotta go catch m' lesson. Late again ya see." She seemed pretty proud to be rebelling in this way, Amber was that type of person. Very pathetic with attention seeking but really her heart was in the right place.

"O, ok, well have a good day alright and I'll see ya round. Thanks again." Rinoa beamed and took her into her arms again.

Soon Amber was gone and Rinoa was left to marvel at the card in hand. Slowly and carefully she ripped the card open while everybody else remained silent. It was a plain card, nothing special at all. Nothing perfectly beautiful about it and didn't look expensive but right now it was the best thing she'd ever been given. It meant so much more than anything else she could even conjure up ever getting for another birthday.

Quickly reading the inside a tacky poem read…

'…a day for those

who care about you

to wish you

all the happiness

that you deserve so well.

Have a Wonderful Day and a Great Year Ahead.'

Rinoa laughed lightly to herself, a 'great year ahead'? That was a joke, but it didn't matter. If anyone else had bought them a card they would have given her it already and again she was filled with disappointment in her friends and her faith in them. Amber didn't even hang with Rinoa more than 2 days a week, these were her best friends and they couldn't even god damn be bothered to remember the one day that meant something to her. Why was this nasty awakening of what her friends were really like dampening her soul now when things are getting bad?

She gulped down the hurt and sniffed for a second, but then continued to smile. Amber had made her feel just great, this card was just perfect, she saw the card as a sign, everything was going to be alright. Someone believed in them, someone believed in their happiness.

Rinoa looked up very cautiously from the card to the rest of her group and waited for something to be said. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Selphie about to crack up in fits of laughter again for some mysterious reason. They all turned their focus to her again as she exploded with delight…

"Here ya go dal'" Rinoa next heard from behind as a plate of delicious looking pancakes were placed in front of her by another woman different from the one she'd seen at the counter.

"Thank you!" Rinoa stuttered. And quickly moved on from those heavy thoughts in her head and indulged in the rich butter and chocolate caked over the 'breakfast'.

The girls returned to their classes and Rinoa was once again left a lone with nothing to do but watch the clock tick…and tock…tick…and tock…until several hours again, while lying in her bedroom she heard a quiet bleep indicating she'd just received a new message, Squall was out of work!

She jumped from her place on the bed and checked the message. Soon she was sprinting down the corridor…

"Guess what?" Rinoa excitedly chimed.

Both adolescents walked slowly by each other through the garden training area, Rinoa had a lesson with Edea soon and Squall was busy for the rest of the night so they usually tried to make this stroll back to her place as slow as possible.

"What?" Squall replied, today he didn't look quite as tired as he had done the other day and for that Rinoa was pleased.

"We got a card! How cool is that!" Rinoa giggled, beginning to jump about again.

"We did? Cool." He smiled back at her excitement, not overly sharing the same special joy she had received from gaining the little present. But he smiled because she looked happy, and he loved that.

"From this chick called Amber, don't know why she sent me one though, bit weird but it's so cool! Left it in my dormitory though." Rinoa looked down to her feet shamefully. "Sorry, I forgot it."

"Don't worry." He replied calmly, seemingly unbothered.

"Erm…wanna sit down?" Rinoa pointed to a newly made bench near the entrance/exit of the area.

He nodded his head in response.

Rinoa skipped a head of him, feeling weary from the laps they'd done around this place already and the few battles they'd had. Rinoa was pulling out on a lot of the exercise and practise she used to put into fighting and running, she had become slightly lazier but than she'd always been quite lazy. Sleeping all the time, walking around her place in her pyjamas, binging on pizzas every weekend. An endless girly cycle she had no will power to escape.

They both sat down next to each other, one more obviously exhausted than the other. Rinoa rested her head on Squall's shoulder finding comfort in cuddling up to him this way, this certain tiny piece of intimacy was what she loved about their walks, the moment they got to just rest on each other for a little while, just gaze with each other, a tiny piece of their memories.

There were a few moments of silence where Rinoa enjoyed his company, but soon sensed Squall's uneasiness. Rinoa loved these moments she could just find peace with him, the few moments in her day that her emotions were crazy or sad but over the year she'd found Squall's discomfort in the silences. Did he find them awkward? Didn't he enjoy the same rest with her? Or did he come to her to destroy the voice in his head, the way Rinoa's seemed to die with the silence. Maybe when they'd first met and everything was still new, she'd been very lively and girly, maybe when she wouldn't shut up he enjoyed it because he wouldn't have to think, just admire. She enjoyed every piece of information he blessed her with, she understood the difficulty Squall had with expressing himself and who he is. So she took care in listening to him when he did talk to her, or even when he felt like being talkative. She'd just become used to the silence, sick of hearing herself drone on about nothing and everything.

Squall took something from his pocket and immediately Rinoa turned her eyes away from it, her stomach filling with butterflies. This wasn't where she specialised, sure she might act like a spoiled brat a lot of the time but when it came down to people actually buying her things she got all squirmy and embarrassed. It was just as bad at Christmas that year when he'd bought her a necklace and being handed it all she could do was hold the box and watch it, too embarrassed or shy to open it. And this was just going to be a repeat of that day, and Valentine's Day which was even worse when he'd bought her another ring.

Rinoa breathed heavily to herself than slyly moved off from him as he presented the small red case more obviously…

"Squally!" She squirmed nervously, with a slight smile.

"What?" He chuckled back, wearing the same smile.

"Wh-h-h-y?" She whinged like a baby.

"Because it's your birthday and our anniversary." He stated not coldly, but very automated.

"But I didn't buy you anything and I don't CARE about my birthday." Rinoa continued to whine looking any where but at it.

Resistively Squall opened the box to show her the ring he had bought for her, she had seen it once before; in fact he'd asked her whether she had liked it or not a few weeks back and he'd made it obvious why he wanted her to like it. Rinoa gasped as quietly as she could to herself than shook her head, upset with herself that she hadn't bought him anything. She hadn't even made him anything. Once when she hadn't had much money she'd decided to make him some biscuits instead, how Squall had remained optimist about the crumbly burn dry things she had no idea, but it showed he loved her.

He took her hand slowly, took the ring, Rinoa's eyes widening as she watched him begin to place it on her engagement finger. She didn't say a word, didn't look at his face, just his hand as it carefully placed it on her finger, fitting perfectly…

_Oh god oh god oh god…_

But he didn't ask the question, only stayed very quiet. Rinoa continued to watch the ring, waiting for something else to happen. Nothing did happen, in fact the awkward realistic god continued to make time spin and Rinoa soon realised she was yet again late for Matron's lesson.

"Thank you." Rinoa whispered nervously.

…

…

Everything that happened between then and when they kissed was a blur to her. He took her slowly and no where near fully into his arms and slowly pressed his lips to hers, as she did the same to him. Gripping his shirt, she inhaled his familiar scent and felt the soft skin of his perfect pale lips caress her own; shamefully she felt some sadness in herself that she couldn't just run away with him now to somewhere only they knew.

The strange unfamiliar feeling of the white gold band around her engagement finger was always hot on the sensations of her body, while caressing her neck or reaching for an object, the next few days were straight but always triggered a smile when she realised it rested there.

When Rinoa gained a moment alone all she did was hold her hand and watched the glistening diamonds, watch the shine of the band, and watch how he'd placed it on her finger in her mind again…and again. And every time it was perfect, her only regret was, why didn't she ask the question? Was there a silent question and she was just too blind to notice? How would she ever find out? He'd probably laugh at her if she asked him about it,…right?

She was leaving soon…but suddenly this idea became more and more frequent in her stream of thoughts, pushed away for 'the right day'.

The 19th of April…maybe a couple of years later she'd ask the question…

_To Be Continued…_

Author's Note: Ok, I'm sorry that the last chapter was boring, and I took note of what you said and tried to put more Squall and Rinoa in it, so I'm sorry if your looking for the romantic type thing in the story, I just wanted to I don't know explore a bit into Rinoa's life. But the next chapter has a nice long flash back about a night they went out together and a long phone call too so hopefully that'll please you. So sorry if I disappointed you again, I'm trying. Another thing, I'm pretty positive that Rinoa's birthday isn't April the 19th but I picked the date for a personal reason only one person reading this will get so I'm sorry if that annoys you to. Any way, thanks for all you reading and reviewing, if you think there are more areas for me to improve in than just tell me k? And I'll try my best. (And I'm really sorry if this is boring again, I'll try harder).


	10. Chapter 9: Gathering In Memory

Disclaimer: I own nothing, but Kara.

Author's Note: Hey, here ya go, a real love-y, dove-y chapter for ya, well it's not actually but its Rinoa-y Squall-y which in my book is equally as good. Hope yal like it.

Chapter 9:

(Flashback)

"Rinny! Jesus!" Ice yelled half viciously, half mock amusement.

The dark haired boy snapped the bottle away from her mouth and whipped the top, and continued to inspect how much she had just drank. The alcoholic substance now safely in hand he gazed at the smirking sorceress who simply put a hand on her hip and winked at him, her breath reeking of the toxin. She didn't even react to the burning sensation that must have been itching at her to complain about.

"Girl's gotta drink; I wanna have a good night!" She yelled over the ground shaking loud music.

Both teens standing on the right side of the stair case that led down to the party downstairs in the Balamb hotel. The son of the hotel manager had decided to throw a party on account of his father taking a trip across to Galbadia, thinking of expanding his 'business'. Unfortunately the hotel had to close in the mean time. Word had got round to everyone, in Garden and Balamb and now it was time for adolescents to wind down the stupidest way possible, party.

About five teens lay in the beds, one throwing up in a bucket, and two other couples doing what could only be called subtly as 'experimenting with each other'. Rinoa had gotten used to this scene, and Ice had even more experience with house parties to know what else went down at these scenes. Both carelessly ignored the almost paralytic patient throwing back up everything he had taken. It had been called an alcohol free environment (meaning the managers son wasn't going to supply) but too many other people had been attracted to bring the substances instead.

"You ready to go downstairs?" Ice smirked, looking around the room again.

Rinoa's cocky expression changed and she shook her head embarrassed.

"Oh for Christ sake Rinoa, so what if Squall's down there?" Ice yelled. "Either you ignore him or go and talk to him, that simple."

"I know." Rinoa rolled her eyes.

"Let's go then!" Ice gripped her arm and dragged her down the steps to the first floor, the music becoming louder and louder every step.

As they came into a more open view of the room they witnessed several people dancing at the front desk where the stereo blasted and 'host' hanged around, surrounded by skimpy dressed girls all pretending to be impressed. He was the hot shot type so it was no surprise. The majority of the people here all stood at the edges of the room, soaking in the atmosphere and mingling with other peers and new friends.

Suddenly Rinoa noticed Squall stood at one end of the room looking fairly bored with Zell shouting something in his ear. His deep eyes gazing over the people, wearing new jeans and without the leather jacket he looked gorgeous as ever. She gasped to herself, the music muting the expression of her fear.

_Just stay cool…_

Ice caught onto her sight than smirked and pulled her close…

"I'm so sick of you guys being on and off cuz' your driving everyone nuts, are you gonna get together or not, ya know!" He shouted into her ear.

Rinoa nodded shyly than followed him into the room from the last couple of steps. Ice talked to many people, mostly due to his 'contacts' as such. It still made Rinoa look social as well and so she didn't mind having to stop every minute to say hi or Ice being pulled one way because he didn't say hi to someone. Occasionally she'd look in the direction of Squall who still seemed very uninterested in the party, this wasn't his thing. And although at the time she didn't really know how much he hated or how uninterested he was with this type of leisure, she still tried her best to indulge in the scene to show off. Which he ignored, if she ever caught him watching at all.

A pair of tiny but strong arms wrapped round Rinoa's shoulder suddenly and squeezed her tightly, as she was pulled back from Ice and a group of other hot shots…

"HEY!" A high scream drilled into Rinoa.

Rinoa turned quickly to see Selphie with the biggest grin on her face…

"I found you first!" Selphie giggled, soon a scared looking Quistas appeared from behind and an amused faced Kara who finished eye flirting with a near by guy.

"Hey guys!" Rinoa smiled in relief, glad to be with the same sex friends suddenly. Plus people who might help her with the situation with Squall.

"Let's dance!" Selphie screamed, raising her fist through the crowd into the air.

Before Rinoa even had a chance to say anything Selphie began dragging her through all the people, with the other girls following close behind. Rinoa felt the big dose of alcohol finally hit her head suddenly as the room span violently but momentarily. Slightly scared she shook her head and the dragging came to stop as they'd hit the 'dance floor'. Selphie began shaking her hips and swinging her arms. Rinoa took a gulp feeling slightly nauseous, but everything became normal again and she felt fine. Her consciousness slipped just a little, along with the slack sudden feel of her muscles. Her ego boosted every second that passed.

Suddenly she was splashing out with her own moves along with Kara's dirty hips, Quistas had disappeared somewhere and no one could be bothered finding her. She was overly awkward with these scenes too. Rinoa laughed to herself out loud as the alcohol progressed through her system until things became a little more shaky and blurry.

The ebony haired girl's awareness of her own actions slipping, she turned more obviously to see if Squall was still standing where he was. Rinoa spotted another group close by him, a group she wished she hadn't spotted any way near him. A certain anger whelmed in her as she spotted Charm also trying to make eyes with Squall who still seemed bored against the wall.

Charm was a girl that had entered Squall's life well before Rinoa had, before the Ultimecia incident, before anything. Charm was cute, small, blonde and perfectly wormy in Rinoa's eyes. Rinoa also found her boring and her bad sense of humour only fuelled the bitter tearing jealous emotion she felt towards her. Squall didn't like to let people in, this much was true but Charm was also another little reason for it. She'd pushed her way in and away from Squall several times, hurting him, Rinoa had heard the rumours that Charm was going to try to get with Squall again. Squall only waited for Charm, he didn't push out for her. Rinoa and Squall however would infuriate each other, each waiting for one another. If he was going to be pulled out from his corner for Charm than Rinoa was just going to find Ice. Some part of her knew Squall still liked her, maybe she'd make him feel the same way she was feeling now.

Rinoa's body already automated with the music, her hips slowly stopped swaying in the rhythm as the track finished, to a slower more cheesy song. Several people moved on the dance floor quickly leaving the girls to wonder what to do next as couples made their way on, embracing tightly and moving slowly.

By this time Rinoa's perspective had been badly beaten by alcohol and the next thing she saw was Ice dancing with another girl. Jealousy fused with alcohol took over as she saw Charm turn towards Squall…

"Oh no you don't bitch." Rinoa snarled to herself.

"Hey, come on-" Kara called, touching Rinoa's arm softly.

Rinoa turned round to frown than held one finger to signal Kara 'one second'. She began to pace across the room towards where Squall was standing, who soon acknowledged her approaching. Beginning to smile as he looked at her she realised this was something her mates used to help her out with. Usually she'd send a friend over, drag whoever over and have a dance for the night, didn't matter if she liked him. But right now Rinoa felt her pride was on the line, and her only chance to try and start things going with the gunblade master again.

Now stood in front of him, she smiled shyly. The room still moving oddly for her, but managed to not fall over as she yelled to him…

"Dance with me!" Rinoa playfully eyed him.

Squall looked slightly taken aback and took his time in replying…

"Why?" Was that just Rinoa or did she see a flash of embarrassment?

Rinoa raised an eye brow…

"Because! Come on, let's dance!"

"Yeah, go on Squall!" Zell laughed from Squall's right side and tried to push him to no avail.

The next thing Squall knew more of his mates were trying to push him to her and calling out for him to go for it. Laughing nervously Rinoa caught a glimpse of enjoyment in Squall's smile as his friends continued to try to convince him to dance with her. She smiled fully and took his hand from his hip to pull him forward with her.

Unfortunately she felt another violent spin hit through her and she had to pause for a moment. The spinning chocolate eyed girl took a breath than continued to the dance floor where she turned to Squall and fell into his arms.

Squall watched her head for a short while still embarrassed and unsure of exactly what he was suppose to do. Sure he had danced with her before but that had been formal, also their had been steps to do and he wasn't even sure how he pulled that off. Now they were just sort of rocking against each other. Was he doing this 'rocking' right? Hell he didn't care. The mousy haired boy turned to see his friends watching from afar with complete amusement, Irvine making hand motions for Squall to follow that he didn't even understand leading him to turn back to Rinoa.

Rinoa smiled into his chest. They'd had a few problems lately, ever since the Ultimecia incident their were no ties and they were free to be who they were, no fear of the end being soon. So they started dating, broke up, starting dating, broke up again, and the cycle continued. Hell it was her birthday soon and she at least wanted to be friends with him, but now things were fine and they were more than friends and even while quite drunk she still felt very safe, she'd still remember that strong security she hadn't been in for a while in the morning.

(Present)

"…Thanks for the ring again Squall." Rinoa murmured while poking at her covers, making the creases into recognisable things such as circles etc which she took great pride in.

_I love you. _

"Don't worry."

"No really, everyone's jealous."

_Heh heh, you should have seen Charm's face._

He laughed lightly. "Why?"

"What do you mean 'why'?"

_I love you but you irritate me._

"Just…why?"

"Cuz it's amazing."

_Just like you._

"Hmm…"

"What ya thinking about?" Rinoa smiled to herself, knowing she was putting him on the spot. But she had thoughts in her head that she wanted to say to finish off sentences, maybe he did too, maybe for once he'd tell her about them.

"Huh? …Nothing."

_You never open up to me…_

"Yeah right."

"Whatever."

"Squall, …" She sighed. "…hey why don't you play something on guitar for me?"

"Dunno."

"Squall, damn it, come on!"

"No, only if you actually touch it when you come over next."

"But the guitar doesn't like me! And it wants to eat me and…"

"Rinoa?"

"Yes?"

"Shh."

_God I love it when you tell me to 'shh' that way._

"Fine! I'll be quiet! What am I your wife?"

_Why did you have to say that?_

There was a long silence, or what seemed like a while…

"No but it's not going to eat you, your just being silly."

_…Well than, you passed the marriage conversation pretty quickly didn't you?_

"Fine, if I'm being silly than I'll just go then!"

_Please stop me, I don't want to go. _

"Fine."

_SQUALL!_

"SQUALL!"

"Yes?"

_Is he toying with me?_

"What ya listening to?"

"Hoobastank."

_Hmm…Reason?_

"Hey do you remember when we started going out again?" Rinoa questioned pretty innocently.

"If it was that time we went swimming, then yes." Squall stated a little puzzled at the memory.

Rinoa bubbled with anger to herself than began to yell…

_How could you? It was my birthday?_

"Are you serious? You don't even remember? Why the hell would I go swimming on my birthday! I HATE swimming." Rinoa sounded hurt.

"I just remember that." Squall replied.

"Well the way I remember it was………

(Past)

_Rinoa: I called you in the morning, remember that?_

Squall: Sorta

Rinoa: What do you mean sorta?

Squall: Well I can't remember what your exact words were or how you said hello!

Rinoa sat on her bed in disappointment punching in Squall's number, not one of her friends were free today. Everyone had classes for the rest of the day, in fact she'd invited them over for a sleepover but most had excursions or big exams to attend or supervise first thing in morning. Great friends they were. And Squall was the only person she hadn't asked to go out yet, presently she stayed in the Balamb hotel most of the time, daddy paying internationally, she had plans to move into Garden but she hadn't pursued the idea quite yet. Her ideal would have been to have gone to the towns fair that visited every year for her birthday with her friends than have a pizza feast with them, however that wasn't going to happen. Not even the boys were free. Squall being the commander made her question what the point in even asking for him to come along was but hey gotta be optimistic right? Sure she'd left everything to her birthday morning but hey they were all seeD and got up stupidly early any way! So what if she let everything until last minute, that made her spontaneous.

A click of the phone on the other end made Rinoa aware that they had picked up and soon another the warm voice of Xu picked up and greeted her with the normal…

"Commader Leonhart's office, how may I help you?"

"Oh hey Xu, can I talk to Squall?" Rinoa pleaded.

"He's not here actually, Rinoa. Did you want me to forward you to him?" Xu questioned politely and professionally.

_Oh great he's on an excursion in god knows where, I'll just ask what time he's getting back and see if he's doing anything overly tiring…geez, this is the most depressing birthday ever. _

"Yeah, cheers Xu." Rinoa sighed.

"No problem, have a good day." The smile audible even through the phone.

"You too!" Rinoa portrayed the same sick happy tone, but as soon as the click of the phone told her it was disengaged Rinoa continued. "Yeah you cheeky bitch, Squall's not even in today and your still working when I asked you to come out with me…"

A ringing began to chime through.

A long time passed…

Rinoa clicked continued to poke at the creases on her bed…

_Come on Squall, please!_

Suddenly a click echoed through the phone and the monotone voice of Squall alerted her. Still not overly optimistic she began to form the sentence in her mind to speak to him, but the first thing she did was greet him.

"Hey Squall." Rinoa said not exactly with the same optimism she had once had the first time she had dialled a number this morning.

By now, after Kara had said she was busy with seeD business, as if she even did what they asked her any way! Every time Rinoa had gone on excursion with her Kara had either spent most of her time eying boys, smoking or giggling with Rinoa or the other party. And then when it actually got to the part where she really had to act she'd probably leave it to someone else. Quistas wasn't questionable, she was very responsible and she was an instructor now. Selphie had informed Rinoa that she was busy when she'd heard from Kara that Selphie had decided to go off with Irvine for the day, who had come up with the same excuse as her, he was busy for the day. Zell didn't even pick up! Probably out with that new girl with the pig tails, by then Rinoa had felt her bubble burst most powerfully in her face. After looking through her address book of however many friends, she'd eventually figured that even though her and Squall weren't the best of friends, they were still working towards getting back to what they used to be, and after all he was the only one left. Even if the chance of him coming out with her was very slim, it was the only chance she had to help her birthday from being totally depressing.

"Hi, Rinoa." Squall replied, with a tiny little speck of surprise.

Rinoa noticed how there was no sound of gun fire, or swords clashing, or any recognisable weapon, nor magic. Not even people speaking in the background, in fact it sounded very silent. That was strange, usually he was distributed to noisy cities such as Deling when he had to leave, usually just to protect certain areas. Every other time she'd called him when he was away he'd usually inform her of his situation, with blurring sounds in the background. Never the less she continued…

"So how are you?" She pleaded.

"Good, and you?" Squall replied?

Squall: Are you SURE this was your birthday?

Rinoa: Yes, god damn it Squall, are you not listening to the bit about me being SO disappointed about my friends not coming out with me for my birthday?

Squall: Yes but…

"Yeah I'm good, hey listen, what ya doing?" Rinoa rushed, beginning to seem a little desperate suddenly. She'd done this with everyone, she'd be all down and dull in the beginning and suddenly this stupid hope would enter her and something would tell her they'd come out, until they'd say no and she'd hit the ground along with her shattered hope. And here she went again…

"Nothing." Squall replied calmly.

Rinoa paused for a moment, had she just heard that correctly?

"Nothing? Really?" Rinoa repeated.

"Yeah…in my dormitory right now." Squall seemed bored, but interested to know why Rinoa wanted to know what he was doing. Feeling hopeful he waited for her reply.

"Well, its sort of my birthday so I thought I'd invite ya to go do something." Rinoa giggled, still afraid of rejection. Sure they'd gone out a couple of times lately but it still didn't kill all of her insecurities.

Squall: So what did we do?

Rinoa: frowns

"Fine, what did you want to do?" Squall continued, though excited, didn't show it.

"Not sure, just meet up and yeah…" Rinoa continued…

_Oh man, he's REAL excited to meet with ya NOW Rinoa. Bet ya he's gonna turn round and say he's busy…_

"Rinoa, I'm not sure if I can get to Balamb any time soon. Could I call you back?" Squall requested.

"Sure." Rinoa bloated with disappointment, closed her eyes for a minute and said good bye, hanging up quickly. "This is the stupidest birthday EVER!" Rinoa yelled to herself. Than she noticed the bag of marshmallows Kara always left beside or on her bed every year, than crawled over to begin to eat the fluffy pink yummies.

_He's either not gonna call back at all and then blame it on some seeD obligation when I do see him, or ring back and say in a stupid voice 'Oh, Rinoa, I can't come out to Balamb. See ya round.' Stupid Squall…thinks he's so good…everyone ditches me on my birthday….what did I do wrong? Stupid birthday…_

To her surprise, while shoving her head into the plastic bag full of marshmallow the phone began to ring again. Pausing for a moment from her savage eating habit, she looked up to the handheld phone lying on her bed…

_That was quick._

"Hey-lo?" Rinoa quickly swiped the phone from the bed, letting the bag drop and its contents to fall over the floor. She lent against the bed waiting for the reply.

"Hey Rinny, I can get their in about an hour." Squall sounded slightly more animated than usual, this confused Rinoa for a moment but she was too overtaken by the excitement of the new information.

"Are you serious?" She then realised she was squeaking the words, and tried to suppress her excitement.

"Yeah, outside Balamb hotel?" Squall continued to arrange the meeting.

"Oh yeah, sure, of course!" _Exactly, perfect, absolutely, fantastic, amazing. _

Rinoa: I wouldn't go _swimming _on my birthday…

Squall: Ok, I'm sorry. But I thought that was a different day, ok? But yes, I remember THAT day…

Later on…

Rinoa flicked her hair about a few times in the mirror making sure their was no more kinks that could embarrass her, no pimples at any angle on her face that hadn't been covered by foundation, no creases in her clothing that might make her look messy. Looking herself over just ONCE more time, she smiled lightly, practising all the different kinds. What was softer and sweet, what was more natural, what was the prettiest, the most sexy smile. Which one to pick, all this practise was useless because a few moments later after she'd sprinted down the stairs and out of the hotel to notice Squall, all those practises were forgotten and her lips broke lose to the only smile she could, one she couldn't control.

"Squall!" She waved energetically.

The knight shyly waved back at her, hands in his pockets, the same old dark pants with the nice white baggy shirt, no jacket and no gunblade though. Squall had always been quite pale, and today didn't differ from normal days of seeing him but it still caught Rinoa by surprise occasionally, and gripped her by the thought. Just another over analysis concern?

Today Rinoa had decided it being hot she would rather just wear her shorts, boots and black tank top. Looking still sweet she continued with her usually attitude of babyish qualities, over the years becoming unaware of the way she acted.

"Hi." He replied, without the volume or enthusiasm as hers.

The Pin wheel girl hopped from foot to foot…

"Wow, thanks for actually coming and all. I mean everyone else ditched me…" She hadn't wanted the sympathy, but wanted to make a joke of it. When it came round to creating the joke she didn't overly feel full bodied in the humour with the comment, because it had actually hurt quite a bit when everyone she knew had actually turned her down on her birthday to go out.

Rinoa: Can I ask you a question?

Squall: Sure…

Rinoa: Why'd you decide to come out with me? Even thought EVERYBODY, even my best friends had said they were busy? …and that it wasn't like we were gonna do anything fun…but you sill agreed to come in…

_Now all the memories come back, and there's so many questions, questions I will ask and questions I wouldn't. Some are too obvious or embarrassing and some that will choke me whole if I don't ask…_

Squall: Take a guess…

Rinoa: Hmmm…

_Do I know? Do I just need reassurance? Did you feel obligated? _

Squall: I liked you Rinny…

_I just felt like a loser that day…sorry for making you feel awkward Squall…_

Rinoa: Just funny because not even my mates could be bothered with me. Suppose I thought I'd dragged you out…still had a nice calm day with you though…

Squall: But in a way…you might want to thank them. If they had all gone in would I have gone there with you? And if I hadn't would we be going out?

Rinoa: Weird thought

Squall: In some hating way, you could thank them…

Rinoa: Yeah…

Looking around the festive fun fair at the dock of Balamb Rinoa beamed with excitement, they'd walked all around Balamb today talking about odd things that she wouldn't recall in 2 years time. Squall seemed rather un-amused by the scenery, in fact a little worried but Rinoa hadn't quite picked up on that. Walking around the temporary small theme park they stopped several times to hear the screams of enjoyment, to intake the smell of candy floss and other greasy foods, and the loud radio hit music.

Giggling uncontrollably Rinoa jumped up and down quickly, pointing to one ride in particular she'd heard her friend's talk about. Why hadn't she been down here sooner? Excitedly she turned round to Squall to read his reaction but he wouldn't look at her, just continued to watch the fast paced carriages and it's passengers.

"Hey, let's have a go!" Rinoa pulled at his arm softly.

Squall immediately turned his view to her and shook his head, back to that plain expression, giving nothing away as to his reason.

"Please!" She cried, still hopeful.

"You can if you want to." Squall replied, probably feeling as if he was being consider or just trying to find a way out of it.

"But that's no fun…" She muttered under her breath. "Come on, I better go back to the hotel any way, I gotta contact my father and all." She tried to cover up the disappointment but she did need to return home now any way, it was heading towards the evening and she'd had a nice day with him any way. Just talking and spending time with him was enough to satisfy her need to say she had a good day.

Squall nodded in response and nothing more. He accompanied her to the hotel and said his good byes, but as he was walking away leaving Rinoa to watch his back as he strode away from her, his hands in his pockets again.

"I'll get credit for my phone, and talk to you later!" Rinoa yelled up the street.

He turned briefly and gave another one of his rare smiles and nodded.

A Couple of Hours and 2 alcoholic drinks Later…

'Su'up' Squall. How ya doing? Thanks for today and all I had sooooo much fun. And it felt really nice and stuff so thanks. Luv ya. Rinny x x, t.b.' Rinoa typed into her phone keys quickly then sent it to Squall, cuddled in her quilt 'listening' to her father as he babbled on about something to do with military.

"Really dad, that's amazing." She yawned.

"Rinoa, I'm glad you decided to let me contact you." The general commanded.

_Yeah, yeah, save it old man…_

"Yeah, I know, it's great." She pulled sarcastic faces that weren't present in her voice as she continued falsely.

The mobile phone next to her thigh buzzed violently and she swiftly grabbed it, _that was quick_. She clicked 'Ok' a few times until the new message came up then Rinoa read it quickly…

'Yeah, it was good. So what do you wanna do now?' He replied, Rinoa paused for a moment, what did he mean, did he…mean…?

"And so it's great financially wouldn't you agree?" Caraway questioned.

"Yeah, yeah dad." She muttered beginning to type her message back.

'Erm, I'm not sure? You mean date again?' Rinoa questioned, worrying about whether she'd gotten his hint wrong and was about to humiliate herself, but she didn't usually back down to just humiliation so sent it regardless.

"So darling, I decided instead to send you – " He was cut off through mid sentence.

"Yeah dad, look, love ya, gotta go." Rinoa paced and quickly hung up, not even giving him the chance to reply to her statement. Sure it was cruel, and yes he was trying to rekindle their relationship and all but hey he had a lot to be forgiven for in her books and beside this was more important.

The handheld phone she had used to talk to her father was put back on its state beside her bed, and her mobile slide across her stomach again from where she leant the top of her back on the head board of her bed, the phone resting once again beside her thigh. She grabbed for the strawberry flavoured vodka that laid beside her on her bedside cabinet also, and placed the straw in her mouth. No where near drunk she waited for the reply eagerly.

_Oh, My, God, why isn't Kara here with me? Was he really referring to what I thought he was referring to? I'm so ahead of myse –_

The phone vibrated. Instantly she had the screen so close to her eyes it was hard to not let the writing blur into black blobs that didn't make sense.

'Yeah, what do you want to do now?' He simply replied.

_Well it ain't no verse of poetry but it's got my heart pounding. _

'Well I like you so it's up to you.' Rinoa replied, too shy to make the decision for both of them but surely him asking such a thing meant he wanted her to say that they would be begin dating again, right?

A few moments later he had replied, her phone still in hand as she'd continued to contemplate what this all meant…

'I like you, so it's up to you. We can go out again if you want.' Another simple statement it seemed.

_HELL YEAH!_

'So you're asking me out? Yes, sure.' Rinoa replied excitedly.

'Yeah, so were dating now?'

YES!

(Present)

Rinoa laid down on her bed recovering from the lack of oxygen she had just endured trying to retell the way she remembered what happened. Hopefully she'd gotten nothing wrong otherwise this could make her look like a really bad girlfriend and that was something she didn't want, why would any one want to be labelled that?

"Hmmm…" Squall murmured. "Are you sure that was your birthday?"

"YES!" She yelled mockingly.

"Fair enough." He replied, not unsettled by her outburst.

_And do you remember when we first kissed? For real? Do you remember ME being the scared one? I remember you being the one who tried for it. I remember when I pulled away the first time and watched you from the distance I had ran, put it down to past insecurities. But then when you were sat there and I couldn't help but kiss you. And I remember that sweet sensation, and I remember the excitement. I remember the intimacy that kiss made me embrace, and the fear that fell. I remember the tenderness, and I remember the unawareness. I remember the wet sensation you left on my lips. And I remember the craving for me to go deeper…do you remember Squall? That's why the kisses are sorta rare, because those kisses hold so much intimacy that I'm not sure you even know about, so much of my walls break down in those kisses. And those kisses can't ever mean nothing, because they started meaning so much. And they still do, and I still want to go deeper, and I still feel the wet sensation. And I still feel the thrilling, but spilling insecurity of entering that intimacy but it's ok…it's ok…because I love you Squall…_

_All these thoughts are gathering in memory…_

Author's Note: Sorry if this chapter is a bit boring and took me ages to do, I'm so slack ain't I. Well here y'all go if your still reading lol. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, if you read review, makes me feel more confident I suppose. Thanks for all the support so far, I really appreciate it guys. Thanks again.


	11. Chapter 10: The Best Of Me

_Starting Line:_

_The Best Of Me:_

_Tell me what you thought about when you were gone_

_And so alone_

_The worst is over_

_You can have the best of me_

_We got older_

_But we're still young_

_We never grew out of this feeling that we won't give up_

"…Thanks for the ring again Squall." Rinoa purred down the phone to Squall. He smiled inwardly but didn't let her know it.

_I love you._

_Every night I'll ring you, don't tell me I don't have to, don't tell me your boring, don't tell me what you think you are to me…_

"Don't worry." Squall simply replied, the briefest and most natural reply he felt come out first.

"No really, everyone's jealous."

_Jealous? Why would they be jealous? Who's jealous? Suppose it's cute…_

He laughed lightly. "Why?"

"What do you mean 'why'?"

_What does SHE mean why? She knows I'm not good at this…_

"Just…why?"

"Cuz it's amazing."

_Whatever…_

"Hmm…" Squall paused uncomfortably for a while, unable to say anything, what was he exactly suppose to say to that? Did he felt awkward? Or had he just frozen over? Was he experienced enough socially to reply? How many witnessing to scenes like this would it take for him to be able to reply like what he thought she deep down wanted her too.

"What ya thinking about?" Through it seemed random to him, he figured she probably had her reasons but decided to let his slight surprise show.

"Huh? …Nothing."

_Here we lay again_

_On two separate beds_

_Riding phone lines_

_You hear a familiar voice_

_And pictures drawn from memory_

_We reflect on miscommunications_

_And misunderstandings_

_And missing each other too_

_Much to vow to let go_

"Yeah right." She replied, sounding deflated.

"Whatever."

"Squall, …" She sighed. "…hey why don't you play something on guitar for me?"

_Why would you want me to do that?_

"Dunno."

"Squall, damn it, come on!"

_It's funny winding her up, she gets so angry. Just like sometimes when I…maybe I shouldn't think about that right now._

"No, only if you actually touch it when you come over next."

"But the guitar doesn't like me! And it wants to eat me and…"

"Rinoa?"

"Yes?"

"Shh."

_Sometimes Rinoa, you can be silly…_

"Fine! I'll be quiet! What am I your wife?"

_…_

_Turn our music down_

_And we whisper_

"_Say what you're thinking right now"_

There was a long silence, or what seemed like a while…

"No but it's not going to eat you, your just being silly."

_Well I guess I saved her from feeling awkward and all. _

But the sentence lingered there in his own silence for a long time, as in her own.

"Fine, if I'm being silly than I'll just go then!"

_Rinoa, you can't play that game with me. _

"Fine."

_Heh heh…_

"SQUALL!"

"Yes?"

_Tell me what you though about when you were gone_

_And so alone_

_The worst is over_

_You can have the best of me_

_We got older_

_But we're still young_

_We never grew out of this feeling that we won't give up_

"What ya listening to?"

"Hoobastank."

_Do you listen to this? Listen carefully, it's everything I wish I could say, there are so many songs I wish I could give you that find the words I want to give you, to show you…I'm sorry there's no other way…_

"Hey do you remember when we started going out again?" Rinoa questioned pretty innocently.

"If it was that time we went swimming, then yes." Squall stated a little puzzled at the memory.

_That time we went swimming with…erm…Vicky was it? And she liked me or something and you felt bad afterwards because we started dating?_

"Are you serious? You don't even remember? Why the hell would I go swimming on my birthday! I HATE swimming." Rinoa sounded hurt.

_Oh great, I'm such an idiot…_

"I just remember that." Squall replied.

"Well the way I remember it was you came

_Rinoa: I called you in the morning, remember that?_

Squall: Sorta

Rinoa: What do you mean sorta?

Squall: Well I can't remember what your exact words were or how you said hello!

Squall: Are you SURE this was your birthday?

Rinoa: Yes, god damn it Squall, are you not listening to the bit about me being SO disappointed about my friends not coming out with me for my birthday?

Squall: Yes but…

Rinoa: Can I ask you a question?

Squall: Sure…

Rinoa: Why'd you come in with me?

Squall: Take a guess…

Rinoa: Hmmm…

Squall: I liked you Rinny…

Rinoa: …Just funny because not even my mates could be bothered with me. Suppose I thought I'd dragged you out…still had a nice calm day with you though…

Squall: But in a way…you might want to thank them. If they had all gone in would I have gone there with you? And if I hadn't would we be going out?

Rinoa: Weird thought

Squall: In some hating way, you could thank them…

Rinoa: Yeah…

_Jumping to conclusions_

_Made me fall away from you_

_I'm so glad that the truth has brought back together me and you_

_We're sitting on the ground and we whisper_

"_Say what you're thinking out loud"_

Rinoa: How about that time when Kara got in between us and said you'd sent her a lot of…erm…sexual messages…and stuff. You remember that?

Squall: Yeah, I do.

Rinoa: I'm really sorry I believed her ya know, I'm REALLY sorry. I really didn't trust you after that.

Squall: Yeah well, she's a liar. …So have you got any further arrangements for Esther?

Rinoa: No dates yet, just signed the contract and all, but that's it. Let's not talk about that though…

_Tell me what you thought when you were gone_

_And so alone_

_The worst is over_

_You can have the best of me_

_We got older_

_But we're still young_

_We never grew out of this feeling that we won't give up_

Rinoa: You can't come…

Squall: What?

Rinoa: Part of the agreement was that you weren't to accompany me, no one is allowed to. Remember the sorceress memorial last time I got taken away, and you came after me?

Squall: Yeah……

Rinoa: So they added into the contract that my knight and 'companions' were not to accompany me, and there'd be strict and doubtful ruling over the offer of visiting me too…I'm sorry, I had to agree and Cid was pushing his hardest.

Squall: Whatever…

Rinoa: Squall, can you just hold on for like two minutes, I'm just getting another call, I'll be back in just seconds! I swear!

Squall: Sure…

Moments later…

Rinoa: Hey Squall, erm, more bad news…

Squall: …like what?

Rinoa: I have to spend 2 months in Galbadia with my father, the…remaining two months…

Squall: Bloody hell!

_Turn out music down_

_And we whisper_

_We're sitting on the ground_

_And we whisper_

_We turn out music down_

_We're sitting on the ground_

_We will kiss girl_

_We will kiss girl_

Rinoa: I know, I know…

_Tell me what you thought about when you were gone_

_And so alone_

_The worst is over_

_You can have the best of me_

_We got older_

_But we're still young_

_We never grew out of this feeling that we won't _

_Feeling that we can't_

_That were not ready to give up_

_We got older, but we're still young_

_We never grew out of this feeling that we won't give up_

Squall: Why?

Rinoa: Complicated…

Author's Note: Another short and stupid chapter I know, I know, I'm really sorry. I'll put on a really good chapter next time, I promise, and it'll be like 12 pages too! I know not many people, maybe one person is reading this but still, I'm sorry to you and Ill get a better chapter on next Friday.


End file.
